The Lock In:

Celebrities in the distance, part 94

2007-07-15T17:19:00.000+01:00

As part of our big update, here's three new entries in the photo game known as Celebrities in the Distance. For new readers, it's quite simple.
1. Can you see a celebrity?
NO: Game Over.
YES: Go to 2.

2. Are you brave enough to speak to them?
YES: Well done, have your photo taken properly with them pretending to be your friend. Game over.
NO: Go to 3.

3. Pretend to rather awkwardly compose a text message, when in fact, you're taking a photo of the Celebrity in the Distance. Now send it to me for publication here.

We have a cracker to start, not only because he is Very Famous, but also because I had no idea who he was.
Holy crap, it's only the captain of the German national football team and Chelsea mid-fielder (says Wikipedia) Michael Ballack:

You don't believe me, do you? Look more closely. It is, you know...!

Sadly we can't maintain that momentum for long, as next up is a TV Chef. Is it Neil Gardner doing an impression? No it actually is Anthony Wozza-Tommo, showing off at the Taste of London event.

And here's top popsters Travis - who I'd love to be snide about, but actually they were rather good and Fran came across as a nice guy - performing at the Arqiva Commercial Radio Awards, where commercial radio did well, winning ALL of the awards.

Got any more? Send 'em!

Hard Gay

2007-04-25T18:47:00.000+01:00

And if putting a title like that on a post doesn't send our visitor count skyrocketing, I don't know what will.

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The Urban Pony

2007-04-19T02:24:00.000+01:00

When I asked Will about York he said "we had a great time doing the Urban Pony", which I thought could either be a pub, a drink, a form of methamphetamine or a sexual act.

When he informed me the Urban Pony was a "dance" "move", I was disappointed.

He then told me that the photo (see "I think it's best not to try to explain this photo...") below was an accurate physical manifestation of the "Urban Pony".

It looks to me like he was about to suggest the photographer might like to engage in a sporting endeavor governed by the Queensberry rules, or that he was engaging in an hilarious imaginary midnight tug-of-war contest. Or just falling over.

Facebook

2007-04-13T03:06:00.000+01:00

It's the future. No really. Forget boring old myspace. Facebook rocks.

I'm not very good at it and I'm not really sure how it works, but if you go to facebook.com and have a look for me (I go under the nom de plume of "Nick" "Wallis") and then join yourself and we can be buddies.

In fact the one bugger about it seems to be that its very difficult to find people you want to find unless you are linked to them through a mutual friend. This is perhaps because facebook has become known as stalkerbook in the US, or, again, perhaps, because I don't know what I'm doing.

Anyway, I urge you to set up an account. Maybe you already have and I've just been left far behind. I don't know, because I'm very bad at finding people.

Nothing ever happens...

2007-04-09T10:42:00.000+01:00

There's not much news in Chelmsford.
I guess this is what you call a "diary story"... generally happens once a year, usually around Dec-Jan-Feb?
Fact: The newspaper is known locally as "The Chronic".

Still doesn't beat my all time favourite barker, from the clearly psychic South London Press: "Mum to be knifed". When - tomorrow?

I think it's best not to try to explain this photograph either...

2007-04-09T10:34:00.000+01:00

Photo: Matt Deegan

11pm on the genteel streets of York. The effects of binge drinking are all too evident.

Er, that is all.

More breaking news...

2007-04-04T18:46:00.000+01:00

Hi All

Unfortunately, the World Tour has had to be cancelled due to illness. Andrew has caught a tummy bug and has been struggling to keep any food down since Thursday. He is projectile vomiting everytime we put him in the car for more than 15 minutes. The doctor has said that we should refrain from travelling until his tummy settles down and the prospect of 8 hours of vomiting child has resulted in the decision to cancel the trip.

We were so looking forward to seeing all of you again, so we're dissapointed that we have to do this, but we hope you understand.

Anyway, we're off now until about 13th April or so, so if any of you wanted to come to the far north instead then you'd be most welcome. just let us knowApologies to anyone that had to rearrange anything.

Speak to yoiu all soon

David, Kim and a sick Andrew

I think it's best not to try to explain this photograph...

2007-03-30T02:22:00.000+01:00

So I won't.

That is all.

Breaking news...

2007-03-22T23:56:00.000Z

Evening All

The Rowlinson World Tour Of The South will be in the Uxbridge area on the Evening of Wednesday 11th April 2007.

We hope to see as many of you there as possible. Tell your friends (or at least the ones who used to know us)

Location is as yet undecided and I'm open to suggestions.

The only requirements need to be...

1) It must serve beer
2) It must be smoke free
3) It must be big enough for everyone to fit in it
4) It should preferably have a car park (Andrew needs so much stuff it's a pain having to drag it long distances)

Suggestions in or around the Uxbridge area are welcome.

Time is also to be decided, but we probably won't stay horrendously late as we've got to get back to our hosts in Andover at a respectable time.

Stay tuned..Dave, Kim and Andrew

My new favourite blog

2007-03-13T18:04:00.000Z

Gosh, it's quiet here. Just so you know - Nick's Walton pub crawl did take place, and Nick took plenty of video evidence. Look out for a report over at the guide soon. I hope.

Meanwhile, here's my new favourite bookmark. Ladies drinking tea!

Isn't the internet great? He has four other blogs if your tastes are more...um, "specialist".

WoT crawl 3rd Feb - proposed route

2007-01-21T19:16:00.000Z

As I may have stated before, the inspiration for this crawl comes from the fact all these pubs are on a loop on my block in WoT, and yet I've never set foot in the majority. My birthday has provided the perfect excuse.

As we were out on a stroll this afternoon, I dragged N+A on the proposed route of the crawl in order to take some pictures of the various pubs.

Some of the pubs are nice, some are not so nice, but they are all within two minutes walk from each other.

So we start at my house at 1pm.

Then we hit the high street and encounter The Regency. A former cinema, and now, predictably, a Wetherspoons...

I've never been here before, but it doesn't look promising. Beer might be nice though.

Then we try and get in to the Walton Barking Mens Club (sign not fully shown). I ventured down that alley once to see what I could see, and I got to the rear of the club's back yard, which was locked, so I went round the front and discovered it to be an ugly squat building which fronts onto a car park. Sounds perfect.

Obviously, it being a club, i'll have to see if we can actually get in there. Not that we probably really want to. So we might well end up in the George.

Which I think looks better from the outside than it is on the inside. Proper towny chaps boozer. But at least it's not as bad as this.

Ruby's, which looks like a sofa shop, and which we definitely will not be going to.

However, if the George looks average, this looks indubitably worse. The Bear.

Strangely the following photo makes it look both better and worse at the same time.

I hope that that is the end of the cacky pubs (and sorry to pre-judge, but I haven't seen or read anything to suggest I might be wrong). Because next up we come to the Old Manor Inn.

This looks better - and what's behind it? Yes the Old Manor itself. Crazy.

Now this is thought to be a decent boozer. It has fairy lights on the bar, which is fine by me, and although it has a reputation for being small and unwelcoming, I think it's the Thames Path walkers/cyclists/families who march in asking for two cappucinos and a slice of bread for their toddler that don't get a welcome, so we should be fine.

Moving on, we reach The Swan.

This is a big ol' Youngs pub, which used to be (still is?) a hotel. Unfortunately it's not as nice inside as it is out. It's an old school pub, with that heavy red patterned carpet, fruit machine and painted wood chip walls, but it might get a bit lively on a Saturday and it might be fun.

We may have to negotiate some hungry swans...

before we reach The Anglers. All the photos of it I've published so far have been of the Anglers in high summer. Here it is in mid-winter.

We had lunch here today and it was very relaxing watching the river go by. The only real ale on was Jennings' Redbreast which was £2.65 and lovely, so I had two.

Having got this far we may call it quits, we may go for a meal in town, we may decide to take a riverside stroll (in the dark) to the Weir, a famous real ale pub where Mr Will Jackson of this parish once stayed. But if we get as far as the Anglers, I will feel content and happy that my birthday pub crawl has achieved its aim.

Looking forward to it!

Pub Guide on Tour: Walton-on-Thames. 3rd Feb

2007-01-16T09:07:00.000Z

It's my birthday next month and to celebrate I will be taking in a few of Walton-on-Thames pubs on Sat 3 Feb. You (that being you, the Lock In regulars, and anyone else out there on the whole interwebby thing) are all invited.

The plan is to start somewhere, and end up at the Anglers (pictured).

Although bearing in mind this is February, that blue sky will be black and there'll be no walking around in short sleeves.

Start time is 1pm, and the nearest station is Walton-on-Thames (on the Woking line from Waterloo).

The plan is to have a leisurely stroll around five or six pubs, and then take in a bit of scoff either at a pub, or at one of the many high street establishments dedicated to soaking up the liver-pickling volumes of alcohol that sluice around an English gentleman's (and, nowadays, lady's!) system of a Saturday evening.

Please indicate your willingness to attend below. Further updates will be posted as the date approaches. If you can't join us then you'll be able to enjoy the tour virtually (although sadly not in real time), as the resulting fallout will be published on our sister site Will's Pub Guide. As I have recently just schooled myself in the Dark Arts, there may be a bit of youtube video embedded in there too. Oh dear...

Looking forward to seeing you. I'm 94, by the way.

Nick

Alex James and Nick Wallis in Space - the audio

2007-01-10T11:52:00.000Z

Hiya

Here is me and Alex James addressing some real life rocket scientists at the 2nd Appleton Space Conference at the Rutherford Appleton Laboratory in Oxfordshire on 6 Dec 2006.

It is an audio recording of the session, split into two ten minute segments, uploaded onto YouTube and embedded in this blog for your easy listening pleasure.

The first person to speak in pt1 is Professor Richard Holdaway, who is the Director of Space Science & Technology at the Rutherford Appleton Laboratory.

Part 2 is mainly Alex's viewpoint on the whole shebang...

If you want to know the story behind this read my earlier postings variously entitled...

I've just had an email from Alex James off of Blur
I'm addressing the 2nd Annual Space Conference
Oh baby...
Happy Christmas. Here is a speech

Happy Christmas. Here is a speech.

2006-12-24T13:55:00.000Z

This is how to hold the attention of a room full of rocket scientists for ten minutes. It helps to have a pop star sitting next to you. Apologies for any typos - it was written on the hoof and meant to be read out loud.

Wed 6 Dec 2006, 3.50pm, 2nd Appleton Space Conference at the Rutherford Appleton Laboratory, Oxfordshire.
"Good afternoon.

I would like to start by apologising if I appear to be nervous. This is easily the most intimidating audience I have ever faced, although my friend, who is training to be a teacher at an East London comprehensive, tells me I haven’t lived.

It is a privilege to be here. I am both grateful to have been invited, and honoured to stand before you. I am not entirely sure what qualifies me to be doing this over hundreds of other more experienced candidates, but when an international pop star invites you to address a room full of rocket scientists, it’s very hard to say no.

My experience, background and working life is broadcast news – so what I can tell you is how the millions of interesting and important decisions, achievements, crimes and tragedies, that happen to or are generated by the millions of individuals, teams, communities and corporate bodies on this planet, are funnelled into the mind of the ten o’clock news editor, the Five Live programme maker, the Radio 1 newsbeat journalist and filtered down into 6 or 7 key events that are considered to be of national importance.

First of all, and this is the key person in all of this, let us consider the news editor. The three fundamentals of journalism, as I see it, are:

1) writing,
2) the ability to spot a story and
3) a strange form of competitive cynicism which provides the motivation to get out of bed every morning.

I have seen a number of very successful news editors close up now, and it seems to me that as their experience grows, the cynicism matures into a kind of generalised anger and their editorial decision-making has become so acute they seem literally to be able to smell a story, sometimes way before it’s even actually happened.

After a while these creatures are separated from the general newsroom for the mutual safety of everyone, but occasionally they burst forth from their office with steam coming out of their ears and personally rearrange an entire programme in the space of five minutes according to their own personal prejudices or editorial genius (depending on your point of view) before disappearing back into their cage and deciding who to shout at next.

These are the people you need to bring your interesting, complex, and unique stories to.

But – as well as being monsters, these news editors are the guardians of, and the gateway to the minds of vast numbers of people, on a day in, day out basis. They can take a story, tell it to a million voters, taxpayers, MPs and in some cases change their views, permanently.

This is why, depressing though it might be, you cannot ignore the news.

If I had one piece of advice for anyone approaching a newsroom with a story they were hoping to get publicity for, I would say KEEP IT SIMPLE. REALLY REALLY SIMPLE. So simple even a ten year old can understand what you’re saying, providing they’re prepared to wait until you open your mouth before they decide to listen to you. But that’s another issue.

Then, filter and simplify that story time and time again, until you can say it in one sentence and make that sentence both attention-grabbing and true.

Now – rocket science, of all subjects, has a reputation for dealing with issues a little more complex than can be explained in one sentence, but this is your problem, not our news editors.

To give you an idea of how most people, and I am talking about the majority of the population, consume news, you need to know a few things about them. At Newsbeat, at BBC Radio 1, where I’ve worked for the last 3 years, we do a lot of research into our audience and we know a few things about them.

Most of them don’t have a single book in the house.

They don’t pro-actively watch, listen or read the news (although they are very news literate) – they absorb it.

The big issues are immigration, football, crime, Iraq (funnily enough) debt and cars.

They want to hear about things that matter to them, and affect them on a daily basis.

This is the news editors’ problem. And yours.

Now before this gets too depressing, I ought to point out a couple of things about what you are doing here that will get an audience going.

You are British. Britain, in the eyes of its inhabitants, is the greatest country in the world. If Britain is doing something that makes it a world leader in any field, especially science and technology, our audience wants to hear about it.

However, the audience feels very, very differently about Europe. They do not care what Johnny Foreigner is up to, unless it is no good. Nor will they listen to him or watch him without anything other than a negative frame of mind. I’ll leave you to consider the implications of that.

The other positive is Space. Space itself is cool. Space is up there with dinosaurs and war in the wow factor. There are difficulties with treating stories like this, but for a significant chunk of the population the word space will buy a few milliseconds more attention than words like hospitals, minister, and profits.

And of course, in comparison to many other worthy subjects – like poverty, human rights abuses and disease, space doesn’t have a problem making the news.

I clicked on to the BBC News website this morning and the top three stories in the science and nature section were:

“Probe spies landers on Mars” (not Beagle 2, yet)
Yesterday’s story - “US plans base on the moon”
and “Shuttle set for complex mission”

Which is the first time I’ve ever actually seen space get Bronze, Silver and Gold in the running order, but indicative of how space stories work for news editors, nonetheless.

BUT - if you want to get those stories out of the science and nature section and into millions of peoples living rooms on a daily or weekly basis, there is some work to do.

I HUMBLY PRESENT NICK WALLIS’S GENERAL RULES FOR MAKING A STORY WORK.

This is what I will think about before I dare suggest a story in the morning prospects meeting, where reputations can be made or broken in an instant:

1) Is it new? Is this information that people have never heard before? Is this the first time something has happened?

ie: First face transplant, first underground nuclear explosion, first man on the moon.

2) If it isn’t new, is it the biggest, furthest, most expensive, most accurate version of whatever it is we’re talking about?

Ie: Most expensive car, fastest ever hundred metres, biggest national budget deficit, highest number of ASBOs.

3) How does it matter to me? Otherwise known as the so what test. Usually, if you have to ask “so what” more than once, it’s not a story. This is very subjective, but crucial when knowing your audience.

Eg - Paedophile rehoused on your street; Council Tax up by 10%, Manchester United win FA Cup, SATNAV being switched off.

4) Is this happening right now? Not yesterday, not in 10 year’s time, but right now. Events.

Prison riots, our boys being killed in Iraq, robotic cars on the surface of mars beaming back pictures from another planet to my bedroom computer.

5) Where has this story come from? An official source or ambulancechasers.com

eg: The British Public is broadly in favour of easier access to abortions. If a government funded independent study came up with that, rather than an organisation whose name I can’t remember, but which just happened to be the largest provider of access to abortions in the UK, then it would be a bigger story.

If you can fulfil some, not necessarily all of the above criteria, then you have a news story. Which means the ultimate news story with regards to space would be:

Vast gold reserves found on Moon, declared treasure trove, space rocket leaves tomorrow, public lottery to fill final place.

Because I am lucky enough to work in a number of newsrooms, I to get access to a number or different news editors and planning operations. Since Alex kindly asked me to come along today, I’ve had a few casual conversations with a number or editors who work in national radio and television newsrooms, and asked them what they think of the British Space Programme and what would make them run a story about it. I have aggregated them and added my own views. This is very much a broad brush sweep, but I hope it has some value.

SPACE IS COOL – our audience like a space story

KEEP IT SIMPLE – one quote from an editor “I never understand what they’re doing or what the point of what they’re trying to do is.” Give me something really specific to hold onto. What will this achieve?

WHAT WILL IT MEAN FOR US? – and this is really the cost question – how will throwing millions of pounds up into the air ever benefit me, taxpayers, my cousin who has cystic fibrosis, national pride, the economy etc etc

Also – and this is from the TV people – WHERE ARE THE PICTURES? The graphics that can be made now need to be there, they need to be colourful, state of the art and they need to be made available in broadcast quality on demand.

And finally, with specific regard to the British Space industry, I heard this once or twice – “I don’t trust them. I do not believe what they are telling me. They don’t seem competent.”

This last point is very serious and is undoubtedly down to two things – Sheer Blind Ignorance, which we’ll get back to in a moment, and Beagle 2.

From the little that I have read about Beagle 2, it was just one of those things. Everyone did everything as right as they could, (without the benefit of hindsight), but the mission failed, presumably at vast expense to reputations and pockets.

Whatever the reasons for the failure, that failure is a vast collective stain on the entire British space industry and it has created a huge credibility gap, making the next major project even harder to win news editors, and the public, over with.

By example, and this is a controversial one but the only one I can think of at the moment – look at Hutton. A twinkly-eyed judge carrying vast experience and expertise with an excellent reputation and respected career behind him who will forever be linked with what many people will consider to be a whitewash of quite brilliantine proportions. That, unfortunately, is life.

I mentioned Sheer Blind Ignorance. This is an unfortunate failing amongst many journalists. I would that we were all as informed as we should be on every subject we are required to deal with and broadcast to the nation. Unfortunately that is impossible. Most national broadcast journalists know just about enough about anything to talk in a vaguely coherent manner about something for about five minutes.

I would like to finish by giving you my suggestions towards how the space industry can go about having more chance of getting positive news coverage.

1) WHO DO I CALL WHEN I WANT TO CALL THE BRITISH SPACE PROGRAMME? I DON’T KNOW.

Is there a British Space Agency? If it isn’t called that – why not? Calling NASA is a gift to a journalist. They run a 24/7 press operation with friendly helpful communicative scientists either picking up the phone to you or just another phone call away in seconds. They have their own broadcast facilities, to deliver TV pictures and radio sound in quality, they have graphics you can download. Everything is free. All we need is a reason to pick up the phone to them – like – a decent story – and everything else is smooth and beautiful. It’s a delight to talk to them. Journalists are immensely pressured under impossible deadlines – they will take the path of least resistance every time.

NASA are also very good at decent stories – if you can beat a manned mission to Mars, tell me about it.

2) LOBBY LOBBY LOBBY. LIKE HELL.
Does anyone think the billions being earmarked for Trident could be better spent on space technology? There must be a case to be made, surely. If a space scientist says something it might be news. If the prime minister stands up and says it on their behalf, it is de facto news.

3) HAVE ONE SIMPLE MISSION, STATE HOW MUCH IT WILL COST AND WHEN IT WILL BE ACHIEVED.

THEN, TELL US EXACTLY HOW IT WILL BENEFIT EACH AND EVERYONE OF US TAXPAYING INDIVIDUALS AND WHEN BY.

THEN – DELIVER IT.

4) AND FINALLY, IF YOU’RE GOING ON TELLY. NO BEARDS.

It is irrational and deeply prejudiced, but television doesn’t like beards. The public themselves may sport beards, but they don’t like seeing them on telly. They don’t trust their owners. I can’t remember ever seeing a newsreader or reporter with a beard. The last bearded mainstream television presenter I remember is Matthew Kelly, and look what happened to him – reputation traduced, career shattered, despite being completely innocent. And all because he had a beard. Possibly. Maybe it was something else.

You’ll note though, that he doesn’t have a beard now.

Thank you for your time this afternoon. I must stress again, these are personal views, not those of any organisation I work for. And remember – never trust an arts graduate."

I've got a podcast too! (But it's not as sciencey as Nick's)

2006-12-13T16:47:00.000Z

Well, it's not really mine. But I did a lot of work on it.

You'll find the RSS feed here: Robin Ince's Show & Tell

Or if you prefer iTunes, subscribe here

And the podcast's home website is here: Show & Tell

Oh baby...

2006-12-06T22:30:00.000Z

Nick Wallis, and Alex James off of Blur, address the second appleton space conference at the Rutherford Appleton Laboratory. That is a gen-yoo-ine NASA dish from the Apollo missions behind us (above), and it is still in use, tracking the absolute centre of the sun (which is apparently VERY important).

The actual session will become available as a podcast on the RAL website soon, apparently.

Beer advent calendar!

2006-11-30T20:48:00.000Z

Let's Rock!!

2006-11-28T20:57:00.000Z

Alan 'Fluff' Freeman

R.I.P.

Not Arf!

Herbs, goats and other posters

2006-11-28T04:08:00.000Z

I very rarely put things on the walls in the places that I work. In a television newsroom I once printed off the Dilbert cartoon entitled Appraisal Time:

Boss: "Your work has been good this year, but I'm going to mark it down as poor."
Dilbert: "Oh."
Boss: "I need a paper trail in case I have to fire you."

I also once put up an excellent article about something which I felt the office of a radio newsroom ought to be aware of. It was mysteriously taken down within two hours. Whether it was because I had used the wrong adhesive or the article's content was in some way threatening the security and safety of my colleagues, I will never know.

I was recently inspired to put up one of the Guardian's posters entitled Herbs in the biggest newsroom in the world. More than a month later I'm delighted to say it is still there. Thrillingly, I recently walked into a competitor's newsroom to find the journalists in there busy assigning each breed in the Guardian's Cows poster to the relevant colleague. I got a Berkshire.

In related news someone not a million miles away from helenandjo knows two people who have been known regularly to walk round muttering under their breath variations on "I hate everyone and I want to die." Both are journalists. Neither are me.

I'm addressing the 2nd Annual Space Conference

2006-11-21T01:14:00.000Z

with Alex James from Blur.

I have no doubt things will change, but as it stands, at 3.50pm on Wed 6 Dec, I will be taking part in a session entitled Space Outreach: Communicating with the Public, at the Rutherford Appleton Laboratory in Didcot, Oxon. With Alex James (right), off of Blur.

Real life has finally started delivering the sort of surreal situation you only normally get to experience in a dream. Excellent.

I'm knocking around a few ideas with my new friend over the next few days so I'll keep you posted.

Do you think I'll get lynched as a smarmy media twat if I attempt to say something like "Now, this isn't rocket science - that's your job..." - or do you reckon that's just the gag to get them going. I don't think I'll risk it.

Also, what to wear? Suit and tie? Suit no tie? Jeans and t-shirt? Lab coat? Help!

Beer Belly!

2006-11-05T12:32:00.000Z

If any of you are going Australia to see the Ashes Tests, you might want one of these, given that you can only buy low-alcohol beer in most of the grounds. Yes, really. You watch, they'll be doing the same over here soon.

Ssh! Can you keep a secret?

2006-10-31T00:53:00.000Z

I'm not allowed to discuss this until next year, but...

I have discovered that there are not four, but SIX pubs on a bona fide loop effected by turning left or right out of my house.

It is my birthday in early February.

Hows about a birthday pub crawl?! Hurray! Hats in the air etc...

The pubs are, in clockwise order:

The Regent (yes its a Wetherspoons and yes it's an old cinema)
The Walton Working Mens Club
The George Inn
The Bear
The Old Manor
The Swan
The Anglers

Each of these pubs are 2 minutes walk from each other.

This arrow in this Google Maps link is pointing at my house.

To do the above pubs you turn right out of my house onto Church Street (where the Wetherspoons, the Working Mens Club a chinese, a chippy, a kebab van, a pizza place and a curry house can also be found), then along to Bridge Street (home of the George and the Bear) and then back onto Manor Road for the Old Manor, the Swan and the Anglers.

Would any of you gentlemen care to join me? I'm thinking Saturday the 3rd or the 10th Feb.

I've just had an email from Alex James off of Blur

2006-10-31T00:08:00.000Z

I don't get emails from millionaire pop stars every day, so I thought I'd share....

Last week I interviewed Alex James off of Blur about some VH1 thing, and it went reasonably well. He was, as you might expect, a very nice man. Afterwards I asked if he was still involved in Britain's Space Programme and he told me he was speaking at some conference in December and gave me his email address. So I emailed him and this is what I got in response:

Hello,

enjoyed talking to you.

I'm speaking at the Appleton Space Conference at the Rutherford Appleton Laboratory in Oxfordshire on Dec 6th.

The RAL is Europe's largest space research facility. It is to space science what Willy Wonka's chocolate factory was to confectionary. They have the world's most powerful laser, a vast particle accelerator, all kinds of crazy stuff.

The Appleton Conference is an annual round-up of what's up. It was excellent last year. I particularly remember a very clever man saying he wanted to land a balloon on the surface of one of Saturn's moons, and no one thought he was mad. In fact we all clapped.

There's lots of ideas flying around. Space is a faster growing economic sector than China.

I've attached the programme. I do hope you decide to come. It's a surreal day out.

All the best,

Alex

1) I always suspected Alex could be our Greatest Living Englishman.
2) Does anyone else think he could write for helenandjo?

Blogmania!

2006-10-20T21:13:00.000+01:00

They're all at it! Blogging that is. If you're a 'rak like me, or just interested in life, there's some fascinating stuff out there.

Here's the chain of events.
I had been recommended the excellent Martin Kelner's Piss Poor Podcast; and on it, he mentioned John Baish's blog, which was odd as he (JB, not Kelner) phoned me about ten minutes later.
ANYWAY...
If you're interested in the behind the scenes workings of the BBC, JB's blog had a fascinating link to the BBC's Director of Global News (great job title!) Richard Sambrook's personal blog.
Bear with me.
This reminded me that I hadn't read the BBC Editors' blog for a while, and stumbled across a posting by Radio 1 Newsbeat editor, Rod McKenzie. I thought he might have some interesting things to say that I could steal for the RED (formerly URE) student radio training session. This could make me appear as though I have deep insights into what "da kidz" want from their news.
Instead I found Rod - the big news cheese, head honcho of fact - calling Nick Wallis "a perfect gent and a top reporter" and describing a hilarious Wallis-esque encounter with Halle Berry.
Read it here.

PS: Separately, Matt Deegan correctly suggests that Chris Evans' BBC blog is *much* better than you might expect - a great example of actually sharing a little bit of yourself with the listener...

No need to go outside to your pub shed anymore...

2006-10-11T16:48:00.000+01:00

One for all the Pub Guide widows, this. What to get your pub-anorak husband/boyfriend for Christmas.

A pub in your kitchen

Beer. On draught. Actually in your house. Admittedly it looks like you're restricted to Carlsberg Export, but it's beer! On draught! Just like in a pub!

Go get one!

Challenge Will, or Will as it may be called after this

2006-10-07T21:58:00.000+01:00

Challenge Will - Oxford Tube has a problem. In fact, let's not kid ourselves. It has more than one problem:

1)The one thing I have to do organisationally and see if the Oxford Tube coach services does a day ticket. This once seemed likely (that they do a day ticket), but a recent anecdotal conversation suggested they may not.

Their number 01865 772250 was once a 24/7 line. I called it about a year ago and it wasn't any longer. It is now office hours only. I keep meaning to call back.

2) It's a fucking tedious way to get drunk.

We will have to meet in London, get on a bus, get off a bus, tramp to a pub, wait for another bus, get on another bus, get off, walk, etc, ad inifinitum.

I said to Nic that we could just meet up at Victoria, have a pint and then go to Oxford and have a gentle stroll around the beautiful pubs in the city centre. But then she pointed out that it wasn't much of a challenge and should therefore be just called Will.

My feeling was to wonder why on earth we'd bother going to Oxford - which involves at least three hours travelling (ie not drinking) and sitting on a coach, when there are plenty of lovely undiscovered pubs much closer to home.

I suggest the Challenge Will is us meeting up on Saturday 9 December. Where and how can be debated nearer the time. This has all the advantages of us meeting up and going for a drink, with none of the disadvantages, to which we can add nice pubs, less travelling and more people. Might be a nice Christmassy thing and still, given how busy and distant we all are, represents something of a challenge.

SO. WILL. ALASTAIR. ANYONE ELSE. ARE YOU UP FOR THIS CHALLENGE?

The Walton-on-Thames Wallises

2006-10-04T10:19:00.000+01:00

First Willesden, then Weybridge, now we have become of Walton-on-Thames.

The first thing I want to know is why we are Walton-ON-Thames and them down the river is Kingston-UPON-Thames. And Newcastle-UPON-Tyne etc. What are they so "up" about?

When i can be arsed to shaked off my cold, go outside with a camera, take a photo, plug the camera into the computer and go through the endless palaver of uploading it, I will post an image of Wallis Manor here:

Just you see if I don't. Or if by the time you read this, I already have, then truly I am a man of my word (I have now put a photo up and I would like to reassure anyone reading this that our house does have a roof - it just appears to be invisible in this photo).

Assuming the photo isn't there yet I will attempt to describe its sprawling magnificence to you. Though of course, mere words won't come close to recreating the extraordinary tinge of yellow in the paint which the previous owners saw fit to splash liberally throughout the dining room.

Previous owners please note: I'm exaggerating for comic effect. It's a lovely yellow.

Annyroad. It's a 3 bed "Victorian" semi. Victorian is in quotes because no one, including the previous owners, estate agents or lawyers, seem to know how old it is. This is odd because people seem to set quite a lot of store by a house's age when it comes to getting mortgages approved and all, when actually it doesn't matter at all.

What does matter is whether it's in imminent danger of falling down or not, which modern surveyors are almost pathologically reluctant to investigate. Any surveyors' report I've seen tends to take the view that yes, from a distance it's almost certainly a house (this assertion is advisory only in no way submissable in court).

And they didn't want to look too closely in case they uncovered something really nasty.

So yes, we're here, and we're in, hoping not to breathe out too loudly in case mortgage rates go up again.

The increased space for Amy's benefit means that her mother is now taken away from her 3 days a week so that we can earn the money to pay for it. Now if she were 13, this would be the perfect arrangement, but at the moment she is still expresses a quiet mixture of bewilderment and heartbreak when we drop her off. She also becomes overwhelmed with joy and happiness when we return. The start of some long-term deep-seated psychological damage or "character building"? There is often very little difference between the two.

That apart, things are going well. There's a CAMRA-style pub walk (ie 4 pubs on a half mile loop) which starts quite literally on my doorstep. If you turn right you start at a High Street Wetherspoons and get progressively classier until you end up at the Anglers (see WPG passim). If you turn right you end up at the Wetherspoons, but have the added attraction of being within slowly revolving distance of a curry house, a chinese takeaway and the worlds dodgiest looking kebab van (apart from the one that turns up around 8pm on St Giles in Oxford. And the weird one that hangs out outside the Waitrose in Weybridge High Street). Mmm. Gourmet cuisine.

I think I've blethered on enough. But now I've managed to get married, become a father and move house within two short years, can we finally set a date for the Oxford Tube Will's Challenge? Will?

Marketing digital radio to the ladies?

2006-09-24T19:46:00.000+01:00

I'm not sure I want one of these, from the latest catalogue of those fine purveyors of gold-plated hi-fi leads, Russ Andrews:

Win Some Beer

2006-09-22T20:19:00.000+01:00

Here's a great trick I saw recently, that will win you beer when you're in a pub, (not that this happens very often with you lot :-) )

Take a standard pint glass, not the sort with the handle, but your normal run of the mill pint glass.

Which is greater, the height of the glass, or the circumference of the rim?

At this point, people will be undecided, as they look about the same.

Now stand the pint glass on an ash tray, no make that two ash trays, and a mobile phone.

Now which is greater, the height of the glass, two ash trays and a mobile phone, or the circumference of the rim?

Here, everyone will put their houses on the height being the greater. Take the bet.

A standard beer glass is 15cm high, but the circumference of the rim is 27cm, so as long as the things you put under theglass are less than 12cm, you're on to a winner.

The result - free drinks all night....

PL

My new record label

2006-09-17T17:28:00.000+01:00

Hello everyone. Sorry I've been so quiet, but I've been in Australia and all that.

I've also been working very hard on releasing the first CD on my new label, Quincunx Sound Recordings. The CD is called First Time Ever I Saw Your Face by Kommando Raumschiff Zitrone,the duo of Kai Fagaschinski and Christof Kurzmann. Copies are available from Sound 323 at the bargain price of £9.99 or, if you want a special WPG Lock In discount, directly from me. Contributors to WPG get a free copy if they ask.

An appeal for sanity...

2006-09-10T12:42:00.000+01:00

The Lock-in is the place for drunken rants. While the sun is not yet over the yard-arm (well, we'll give it a couple more minutes), I am ready to rant about the London free newspaper war.

In a bid to walk off at least one or two of the beer-related calories, I am now walking from Liverpool Street to Regulator Towers each morning and back again in the evening. The morning stroll is pleasant enough, but the afternoon jaunt is now a constant fight against distributors of London Lite and the rival thelondonpaper trying to thrust their wares into your hands. Now, I'm all for something for nothing, and I don't actually mind thelondonpaper, despite its hilarious Pete Doherty/P Diddy confusion. But the distributors, particularly around Bank station, are literally on every corner. On Friday, I counted them, and in my twenty minute walk, there were twelve free newspaper people. And that's not counting the suicidal looking Evening Standard (50p!) vendors... It's got to the point where I'm missing being harrassed by the chuggers at London Bridge tube.

So, an open appeal to Associated and NewsCorp: while I applaud the thorough nature of your distribution plans, please stop this freebie madness!

Man of the Pies

2006-09-10T12:39:00.000+01:00

I walked past this van last week, and thought of Dave.

If I ever have an event that needs caterers, this is the man I'll be calling...

Fame at last II

2006-09-03T20:28:00.000+01:00

This week's Now magazine and who is that slightly grubby looking journalist interviewing Martin Fowler off of EastEnders and the other actress whose name I can't remember?

Me (pictured left, with someone else), that's who. I don't have very pretty legs and now one of them has appeared in a national celebrity magazine. That's not good, is it?

Will writes:
And here is that offending picture. I hadn't seen this posting last night, and TCMJ and I spent the train journey home trying to work out whether it was indeed Lord Wallis of Walton-on-Thames...

Image courtesy: whoever left Now Magazine on the 2300 to Ipswich.

What are the chances of that?

2006-09-03T20:21:00.000+01:00

So there I was, in Hamleys yesterday. And who should I bump into but Emily Dubberly!

Despite the fact she supposedly lives in Brighton, there she was, in Hamleys. She gave me her tiny card (how trendy) which appears to take into account the fact she now seems to have two surnames.

Anyway, we had a chat about what she was up to and the fact she was mentioned on our blog and given that she now seems to write about sex for every major magazine publication going, she has provisionally agreed to be a sex correspondent for us too.

When I say "provisionally", I mean it in a made up and untrue sense, but I thought it would be fun to have a sex correspondent for the beer guide, given the two are usually mutually exclusive.

Although a lot of people supposedly conceive when they're drunk... not that gracefully, I would imagine...

The Dubbmeister

2006-08-24T14:02:00.000+01:00

I bumped into Emily when we were both doing a paper review on BBC LDN. She had just started at Scarlet and was still as certifiable as ever.

We discovered we lived two streets away from each other in Willesden and she invited me to her NY party.

Whilst I was interested in the prospect of meeting a bunch of women working on a magazine which appears to be mainly about masturbation, I decided instead to move to Surrey as quickly as possible.

1990's humour

2006-08-20T18:04:00.000+01:00

... alive and well in the North East.

Swinhoe, Northumbria.

The Scariest Day of my Life...

2006-08-20T07:48:00.000+01:00

About two weeks ago, I attended a Lifesaver for Babies and Children first aid course run by St. John Ambulance and organised through my local Sure Start. I took the course because I was worried I wouldn't be able to react if the Prince of Pies had an accident or stopped breathing. The course covered resuscitation, bleeding, breaks and fits, lasted for three Saturdays and was a total of about 6 hours out of my life.

On Wednesday I had to resuscitate a 15 month old baby, who had stopped breathing during a fit.

It was the scariest moment of my life, and something that no-one should ever have to do, but what scares me more is what could have happened had I not been there, and more importantly, had I decided not to do the training.

So I urge EVERYONE reading this who has a child, who is around children, or who is regularly in an environment that has children to do this course. Hopefully you'll never ever need it, but maybe you will, and you might be able to make the difference.

PL

The Brighton Correspondant??

2006-08-20T07:37:00.000+01:00

Those of us who worked in Student Radio during the SBN era will remember Emily Dubberley, SBN's Marketing Manager.

Trawling through Friends Reunited I came across her name and wondered what she was up to these days. The answer is this.

This is the sort of person we need writing for the pub guide. Anyone that can start an article "...I shaved my lady garden for work (yet again)..." has got to be worth listening to.

She now lives in Brighton, spends 2 days a week in London and seems to spend most of her time in pubs.

I'll make the call

PL

Fame at last

2006-07-27T01:36:00.000+01:00

i've made it onto a guardian weblog!

Not only that, the author (an old friend of John Peel, 6 Music broadcaster extraordinaire and writer of that classic hit "2-4-6-8 Motorway") actually had to tell me about it and then send me the link before I got round to reading it.

This got me thinking - if we go out and tell people about Will's Pub Guide, put photos of them in it and then force them to read our articles, we'll get more hits!

Good luck with the move Will. I'll be thinking of you. And probably coming to stay during the V festival if that's alright.

Poodle perms

2006-07-22T01:47:00.000+01:00

Hello

I had lunch with three people from work on Thursday at Regents Park.

It was, as those of you based in the South East may have noticed, quite hot that day.

Once settled on a patch of grass, one of the girls we were with announced she was going to remove her trousers, which she did. She was wearing a dress, which covered most of her modesty, so there you go.

Then the other girl we were with announced she was going to remove her dress, which she did, stripping off to her bra and knickers.

Kev and I choked on our drinks and protested (but not very hard, obviously) that you can't just take your dress off in front of your work colleagues.

She argued that it was hot, we were in a park and anyway - it wasn't like she was wearing a thong or anything.

Fair enough, I thought, maybe I'm just being prudish.

It was still weird, though.

'ello princess

2006-07-18T21:26:00.000+01:00

I (pictured left) would like to claim the first person who isn't known to Will posting to the New Will's Pub Guide.

Check out the comment to my pictorial review of the Minnow in Weybridge.

I believe this is the first random since that lady from O'Neill's Challenged Will.

Although "princess" can't be that random - if you google "minnow weybrdige" the guide doesn't get a look in.

Interestingly, and perhaps unsurprisingly, if you google "minnow weybridge will's pub guide" it comes top, which at least means google is aware of Will's Home Page, even if no one else is.

Whilst we're on the subject, if you google "will's pub guide" you still get the old guide. This is pretty crap. Can we attempt to get more people to link to Will's Pub Guide (the new one) so it comes higher up in Google searches? Or is that not the way to do it?

How do we go about doing this? Do we have a web guru that can sort us on this?

URE Training Day 1999

2006-07-01T12:56:00.000+01:00

Will's "friend"! Garders' hair! One of the all-time "big pint" greats!
It could only be, retrieved from the vaults (well, my loft), the URE Training Day 1999!

Radio Crimes: 18th Birthday, March 1989

2006-06-29T22:18:00.000+01:00

Finally, an eight-page Radio Crimes special to celebrate URE's coming-of-age, from March 1989.

More URE archive

2006-06-29T21:53:00.000+01:00

And yet more. This time, it's lots of officious letters I wrote when I was Programme Controller. I was a precocious git, wasn't I? And nothing changes...

Radio Crimes: Freshers Week 1988

2006-06-29T21:32:00.000+01:00

Well, that seemed to work. So here's more from the Hall of Fame. Or rather, shame.

URE History

2006-06-29T21:22:00.000+01:00

Here's a bit of radio history - this is the first edition of URE's programme schedule, Radio Crimes, that I appeared in, in 19yadayadayada.
If this works as I hope, you should be able to click on them to make them full size so you can read them. More will follow...

Working the night shift

2006-06-27T01:51:00.000+01:00

It is not unknown for people round here, when the work in hand is done, and things have gone a bit quiet, to toddle off into a quiet corner and grab a few zees.

Prime locations include the sofas that can be found in the glass cube management offices which are dotted about the place.

Recently a snotty email went round from a manager complaining that someone had been sleeping on her office sofa, and could the perpertrator(s) desist.

Within twelve hours a response came round from one of the oldest lags on the nightshift to the effect that some woman had been working in his bedroom during the day. He'd been putting up with it so far, but was starting to find it a bit intrusive.

I await further developments with interest.

For Everything Else, There's Mastercard...

2006-06-24T01:31:00.000+01:00

Somethings, Mastercard would have you believe, are priceless.

I agree.

So thank you to Little Roger, Big Phil, Aussie Ros and No Nickname Foz, for quite possibly the best best BEST baby present ever!!!

Priceless

PL

A pint of your finest Puppy

2006-06-22T13:08:00.000+01:00

Next time you're in York and fancy a pint of Yorkshire Terrier, bear in mind you may be taken literally.

I suspect this beer's from Canada, as this glass appears to contain a Labrador.

There's plenty more of this rubbish on www.cuteoverload.com

Video Killed the Radio Star

2006-06-20T22:44:00.000+01:00

Thanks to my friend Snake, who forwarded me this very fun link.

Nothing to do with Beer, but as most of the Pub Guiders work / or worked in radio, I thought you might like to relive some of the greatest 80's music video's around

http://www.milinkito.com/los80.php

There's thousands of them. lock yourself away for a few days...

PL

Carlsberg don't make babies, but if they did...

2006-06-20T12:07:00.000+01:00

Sir,

Daddy has introduced me to your brilliant website, and even though I am only a week old, I am an avid reader.

I particularly liked the photo from 'Little' Garders showing the 'big can' and would like to submit my own entry

Keep up the good work

Andrew
Prince of Pies

Now does this mean...

2006-06-18T13:28:00.000+01:00

... that IPods are truly great, or that students really aren't what they used to be? (Or does typing that last sentence make me really old?!)

Survey: iPods More Popular Than Beer
SAN JOSE, Calif. -- Move over Bud.
College life isn't just about drinking beer. In a rare instance, Apple Computer Inc.'s iconic iPod music player surpassed beer drinking as the most "in" thing among undergraduate college students, according to the latest biannual market research study by Ridgewood, N.J.-based Student Monitor.
More from The Washington Post/AP.

Now that's what I call...

2006-06-18T13:24:00.000+01:00

...a bonus.

Soca Warriors on the World Cup's Most Unusual Win Bonus
A win against England in Thursday's Group B encounter will see the 23 Trinidad & Tobago players, and their coach, celebrate in style when they return to their homeland. Angostura Rum, the national drink of the islanders, has promised to give the most historic barrels of rum it owns to the players if they can score three points in the crucial World Cup game.

As always, the devil is in the detail...
the 24 Angostura Rum casks, which each hold 247 litres of undiluted spirit...
247 litres - each! Crikey.

It's a Boy (Part 2)

2006-06-11T20:40:00.000+01:00

Just a very, very quick message to let you all know that Andrew William Iain Rowlinson was born today, 11th June 2006 at 4:42pm by Cesarean Section, weighing 7lb 12oz.

Baby fine and georgeous
Mother fine and exhausted
Father extatic, knackered and about to get pissed.

Anyone know of any good pubs?? :-)

Pictures when I get round to uploading them.

PL
The Daddy

Just as we're leaving...

2006-06-09T13:56:00.000+01:00

Sandi Thom only flippin' goes and puts Tooting on the map for the first time since 1976, in this fine article from Popjustice: Welcome to Tooting.
Well, OK, that and the murders...

Next Thinking

2006-06-04T16:46:00.000+01:00

In the spirit of what I believe is termed "the blogosphere", we should probably say that other blogs by radio people are also available.
Here's a good one from the former MD of Capital Radio, Keith Pringle.
There's a lot of good advice on there, although you can't comment on the postings. And how about some links - including one back to the Pub Guide?!

If the pub won't go to me, I'll go to the pub

2006-05-28T21:34:00.000+01:00

We've put an offer in on a house in Walton.

It has a Wetherspoons within 100 yards in one direction (not great) and two pubs on the banks of the River Thames in the other! Fab!

We've been there twice in two days, but I didn't take any photos. If the offer is accepted, then I will put them up and invite you to a night of drinking and near drowning on the river. Hurrah!

And in related news...

2006-05-14T14:06:00.000+01:00

Will's Dad sent this:
Last orders for the lunchtime pint
"Is the lunchtime pint facing extinction? Only a minority of companies now allow staff to drink during the working day..."

Although I'd make the argument that it was never a matter of whether it was ALLOWED or not... most places probably don't allow it (so you can be disciplined if you over-do it), but will turn a blind eye to a swifty on a Friday lunchtime. Well at least I HOPE that's the case...

And this may help you to recognise your colleagues when they return:
Drunk Monkeys Mirror People
"It was not unusual to see some of the monkeys stumble and fall, sway, and vomit," Chen added. "In a few of our heavy drinkers, they would drink until they fell asleep."

Movin' Out - the Billy Joel musical

2006-04-23T13:06:00.000+01:00

L'il Garders shows the way to go

It all seemed so simple. It's Daniel's birthday. He likes Billy Joel. There's a new Billy Joel musical in town, featuring 24 (count 'em!) of his biggest hits. Let's book the tickets right here! Surely it'll be just like Mamma Mia or We Will Rock You - a romp through all your favourite classic hits, with some "plot" loosely linking them together, right?

Wrong. A few days later, Beccy, who knows about these things, says "you do know who Twyla Tharp is, don't you? This will be Billy Joel expressed through the medium of contemporary dance." And with that, our faces fell, and we saw the price of a dozen lagers wandering off into the pockets of Ticketmaster.

The birthday boy looks forward excitedly to the show in The Cardinal, Victoria

And so, last Thursday, we were at the Apollo Victoria for Movin' Out. And it's difficult to know where to start. The last time I saw anything like this, it was at the University of Essex theatre. And for every moment where it felt like a pretentious piece of student angst, there was one where it felt like we were on a cruise ship watching the Ents team putting together a "Seaside Special" review. Add in some U-S-A, U-S-A flag-waving, and you get the picture.

I'll confess to owning a Billy Joel Greatest Hits compilation (though it does have a "not for re-sale" sticker still on it) but the even the piano man's best work can't save this, as any subtlety gets lost in the bombastic arrangements. And this is before I've even got on to the bizarre S&M bondage scene somewhere in the middle where a Mother and young son walked out...

The audience - if not our group - were divided. The people behind us whooped and hollared for more - and probably hated the row of cynical meejah hacks in front of them who made sarcastic comments throughout and burst out laughing at several points. Some walked out at the interval; we went back for more - perhaps just to check we had actually seen in the first half what we thought we had.

For Joel fans, just getting drunk and dancing around the front room to Greatest Hits will provide a better experience. Maybe this was all just too American for the English palate: the campaign for a UK singer-songwriter show "Up The Junction - The Squeeze Musical" starts today...

TCMJ and Beccy recreate some of the moves from the show

For goodness' sakes

2006-04-16T21:44:00.000+01:00

(Which I believe is the correct grammar. But I may be wrong.)

do I have to do it all myself?

Here is a story about a man at work - which I'm now wary of mentioning thanks to the email below. Let's just say it could be any man at any work. But it wasn't it was a man at my work.

He is around 55-ish, and the putative boss. not my boss, but the boss of a few people in the "deskspace" area close to me.

The other day he rather loudly asked anyone listening if they'd read the lyrics to Fitter, Happier off Radiohead's OK Computer album. No one answered, so he said "They go like this..."

and proceeded to read them off his computer screen. Most people know this as a short track. Not when its being read in its entirety to an otherwise silent room, who don't want to hear it. Shall we remind ourselves...?

"Fitter, happier, more productive,
comfortable,
not drinking too much,
regular exercise at the gym
(3 days a week),
getting on better with your associate employee contemporaries ,
at ease,
eating well
(no more microwave dinners and saturated fats),
a patient better driver,
a safer car
(baby smiling in back seat),
sleeping well
(no bad dreams),
no paranoia,
careful to all animals
(never washing spiders down the plughole),
keep in contact with old friends
(enjoy a drink now and then),
will frequently check credit at
(moral) bank (hole in the wall),
favors for favors,
fond but not in love,
charity standing orders,
on Sundays ring road supermarket
(no killing moths or putting boiling water on the ants),
car wash
(also on Sundays),
no longer afraid of the dark or midday shadows
nothing so ridiculously teenage and desperate,
nothing so childish - at a better pace,
slower and more calculated,
no chance of escape,
now self-employed,
concerned (but powerless),
an empowered and informed member of society
(pragmatism not idealism),
will not cry in public,
less chance of illness,
tires that grip in the wet
(shot of baby strapped in back seat),
a good memory,
still cries at a good film,
still kisses with saliva,
no longer empty and frantic
like a cat
tied to a stick,
that's driven into
frozen winter shit
(the ability to laugh at needless harm),
calm,
fitter,
healthier and more productive
A Pig
In a cage
On antibiotics."

At first people started to laugh, then say, uncomfortably, "Er, not familiar with that one." and towards the end, very pissed off... "Oh shut up, will you"

He read it through, loudly, to the end, before continuing... "It's the first track on the second side of the album. I usually skip through it when I listen to it, but it's brilliant for decorating."

After a brief pause he said: "Wordsworth. If Wordsworth were alive today he'd be writing stuff like that. It's genius."

Very weird.

I don't actually have anything interesting to post

2006-04-01T00:15:00.000+01:00

but given no one's contributed for two weeks now, I feel I ought to put something up to stop the blog dying of apathy.

By the way, I'm very proud of that headline. It could be the default headline for every blog post ever generated, and in most cases, wouldn't need to be changed.

We got a very strange email the other day from someone at work. A boss. This is what it said:

"Hello there…

Do you blog or talk about your life on 'my space' ?

Here is some important information for you, please read, and if in any doubt ask myself or xxxx.

When a blogger clearly identifies themselves as a xxxxxx person and/or discusses their work, xxxxxx expects them to behave well when blogging, and in ways that are consistent with xxxxxx's xxxxxx policies.

If your blog makes it clear that you work for the xxxxxx, it should include a simple and visible disclaimer such as 'these are my personal views and not those of xxxxxx'.

Many bloggers, particularly in xxxxxx areas, use their personal blogs to discuss their xxxxxx work in ways that benefit xxxxxx , and add to the 'industry conversation'. These guidelines are not intended to restrict this, as long as confidential information is not revealed.

If you already have a personal blog or website which indicates in any way that you work at xxxxxx you should tell your manager.

If you want to start blogging, and your blog/website will say that you work for xxxxxx you should tell your manager.

Unless there are specific concerns about the nature of your job, you are free to talk about xxxxxx on your blog. Consult your manager if in any doubt.

Don't reveal confidential information. This might include aspects of xxxxxx policy or details of internal xxxxxx discussions. Again, consult your manager if you are unclear about what might be confidential.

You should not use your blogs to attack or abuse colleagues. You should respect the privacy and the feelings of others. Remember that if you break the law on your blog (for example by posting something defamatory), you will be personally responsible.

If you think something on your blog or website gives rise to concerns about a conflict of interest and in particular concerns about impartiality or confidentiality this must be discussed with your manager.

If someone from the media or press contacts you about posts on your blog that relate to xxxxxx you should talk to your manager before responding. The relevant xxxxxx press office must be consulted.

You are allowed to update your personal blog from a xxxxxx computer at work, under xxxxxx's Acceptable Use Policy."

Bearing in mind the paragraph I have highlighted, I thought I need to cover myself here as I may have insinuated once or twice that I work at xxxxxx. So I told my boss I contribute to this blog and the world famous Will's Pub Guide.

He pronounced himself "not too worried". Not too worried!? I suppose it's bettwe than "not remotely worried", but, really...

For the record, I, too, am "not too worried". Paranoid, nuts, drunk, scabrous and vaguely ticklish, but not too worried.

I really can't be bothered any more.

And Matt saw this...

2006-03-19T16:36:00.000Z

marginally more intellectual link (but don't let that put you off!), and thought of us:

Beer as in journalism

Beer on Tap

2006-03-17T12:47:00.000Z

I read the following article, and for some reason, thought of you lot.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/4802928.stm

PL

Ian Gardner goes to Bangkok...

2006-03-13T19:54:00.000Z

...could be the opening line of well over 1000 jokes. But instead, it's the opportunity to post two pictures that Ian's sent me. The first is claimed to be a big pint, but cheats (see the rules, Garders) by using a very big pint rather than perspective. Although admittedly, that is the biggest pint I've seen. Actually, I'm feeling rather thirsty...

The second is clearly inviting a caption competition... look what Garders has pulled in a bar this time! Well, those elephants always love a sleight of hand magic trick. And how come the one with the tusks has got better taste in shirts?

Use the comments form to suggest your own captions or mail me!

I Am Scooterman

2006-02-28T02:36:00.000Z

Not the fellow who advertises to drunk businessmen in upmarket toilets, but I have bought me a scooter to effect the commute between my new temporary home of Weybridge and town.

It looks like this:

Except, mine is silver. Oh yes.

And I have bought a silver helmet and some black protective clothing with silver trim. I am the Silver Flash.

Now, this has terrible implications for my drinking, in that it's unlikely to happen in central London any more without complex planning.

Thankfully, however, Weybridge's pubs are several cuts above Willesden's.

I will publish the results of my investigations on our sister site in due course.

In the meantime, wish me luck with the move. I am certainly going to need it.

Cartoon life

2006-02-17T14:36:00.000Z

A couple of days ago, I saw a man slip on a banana skin.
This has made my entire week, and could only have been bettered by an anvil falling on him.
The event in more detail: on Dowgate Hill, next to Cannon Street station, the man stepped off the pavement, slipped on something in the road, then regained his balance in that "nothing to see here" sort of way that you do. When I looked down, it was a very old (brown) banana skin! Fried Gold.
Has anyone else witnessed any cartoon-related hilarity?

A cheap excuse for a monkey picture, Cannon Street, yesterday

Inter-class war!

2006-02-13T04:12:00.000Z

Not sure I agree with the conclusion, but the content should be painfully familiar to all of us.

PS This is copyright the Sunday Times which is a great paper and very much worth reading largely because of items like this and if I've broken any laws by re-posting this then I apologise unreservedly, will take it down immediately and suggest you sue Will, who runs this thing.

The great divide
From The Sunday Times - 05/02/2006 (1266 words)
Features

The middle class is now divided into the haves and have-nots -which is fine for those who get to go skiing and drive flash cars, but infuriating for the rest of us, says James Delingpole.

City bonuses are expected to reach near-record levels this year; the waiting list for the new Aston Martin has increased from one year to three; the luxury-goods market is on the up and up, even as the high street plummets; and the market for old vicarages and Pounds 4m-plus town houses is booming. And as I shiver in my hovel in the middle of a south London crack zone, struggling to digest these noisome statistics, I'm reminded of Uncle Monty's great speech from Withnail & I on the subject of failed ambition: "It is the most shattering speech of a young man's life, when one morning he awakes, and quite reasonably says to himself, 'I will never play the Dane.'"

Not, you understand, that I've ever nurtured a burning desire to play Hamlet. I'm talking figuratively here: about the country pad, the swimming pool, the annual skiing holiday, the private education for my kids, the pension plan, the reasonably comfortable retirement and all those other expectations that seemed so perfectly realistic in my youth, but which I'm now slowly being forced to recognise were no more than the hopeless pipe dreams of a crazed romantic.

Where did it all go wrong? And, more to the point, who are all these rich people with money to burn on second homes and third holidays when I have scarcely enough dosh to service my mortgage? Are they really so much cleverer, nicer, funnier, more charming, better read and generally more deserving than me? Or is it just, perhaps, further proof that we live in a terrible, evil, godless world where there is no justice?

Until I started talking to my fellow non-rich friends about this, I thought it was just a me problem, possibly brought on by innate peevishness and a ludicrously inflated sense of entitlement. But, no.

It turns out that this despair and disappointment are almost universal.

Of course, there has always been a bit of an income gap between those involved in the "interesting" professions (teaching, journalism, marine biology) and those involved in boring, no-life ones such as law, banking, IT and accountancy. What has changed out of all proportion, though, is the sheer disparity between the two groups' earning powers. There was a time, I remember, when it didn't matter so much that my banking friends got big bonuses because, hey, I got to hang out with movie stars and go to gigs for free. But I'm afraid to say that job satisfaction consolation just doesn't wash any more. Not when Goldman Sachs's 22,000 employees got their greedy hands on earnings worth a total of $9 billion last year and will be renting estates in Umbria with four live-in staff and a cellar full of Super Tuscan wines for the whole of August, while I might just scrape a wet fortnight in Newquay.

Perhaps it wouldn't matter so much, this ghastly yawning gulf between the middle-class haves and have-nots, if the haves were a little more gracious about their good fortune. I'm sure I wouldn't resent my loaded friends nearly so much if they made free with their chalets or their yachts or their grouse moors or their strings of hunters. But in my experience -I make exception here for those delightful chums who are inviting me to play on their 30-square-mile estate in Scotland this August -the rich only feel comfortable extending generosity to their fellow rich. As another Withnail adage so aptly has it, "free to those who can afford it, very expensive to those that can't".

More galling still is the infuriating habit that rich people have of making out they are subject to the same pecuniary cares as you and me. You'll hear them grumbling about what a struggle it is to pay the school fees, and writhing over how much it costs to heat the swimming pool, or whether it's really not a little extravagant this extension they're having built, or even worrying about the cost of dinner or a cab fare. And you just know that these financial difficulties exist purely in their imagination. Never yet have I heard the rich person who admits, "You know, I'm so totally stacked, I never have to worry about money."

Always, there's this, "I'm just as poor as you really" game they have to play; perhaps out of the misguided notion that you'll feel less jealous, perhaps because, in their warped, rich person's head, it's what they really believe.

At least in the days when the country's wealth and power lay mostly in the hands of the aristocracy, you knew where you stood: money was an accident of birth. Then came a more egalitarian age, which reached its zenith in the heyday of the grammar school, when anyone bright and hard-working enough, no matter what their background, could secure the education that would lead to the trappings and comforts of the middle-class dream. But now, we seem to have returned to a more brutally divided age, only this time, the starkest division lies not between the upper and lower classes but between the rich middle class and the ordinary middle class.

What we're seeing, in other words, is the fragmentation of the middle class into two mutually antipathetic splinter groups. Where once the middle class was a unified bloc of shared values (good manners, a proper education) and lifestyle signifiers (the skiing holiday, the pension plan), it is now riven with bitterness and jealousy on the one side, incomprehension or arrogant disdain on the other.

It is still possible for the rich middle class and the ordinary middle class to be friends with one another. But maintaining those friendships becomes increasingly difficult. Where once I could talk freely with my friends about all aspects of our lives, there are now whole swathes I can't discuss with the richer ones because it's just too damned painful. We can't do education (their kids are at private school, mine aren't); we can't talk work (lest the richies let slip how much they made this week); and we definitely, definitely can't talk about where they're planning to go next on holiday.

"Why?" we poories ask ourselves. "Why them and not us?" And it's more than just chippy resentment that makes us ask, it's because we know deep down that not only are we so much better, funnier, cleverer and more interesting than these ungrateful rich people, but also that we'd spend their money so much more tastefully and wisely. Just think back to your university days, and remember how much brighter and more rounded were the types studying purely intellectual subjects such as English literature, history or classics than those doing more vocational ones such as law.

Then think of all the bores and timeservers, straights and money-grubbing creeps who went into the City, law, management consultancy and Insead, and compare them with the sparky individualists who went into publishing or journalism or television. As one of my rich lawyer friends would no doubt say: I rest my case.

(C) Times Newspapers Ltd, 2006

Neko Case's norks?!

2006-02-05T23:16:00.000Z

That's a bit weird. I'm all for a bit of T&A, but Neko has one of the finest voices I've ever heard and I'm not sure she needs to be, er, forgetting her bra, for whatever reason. Or maybe I'm a reactionary old git and if a girl with a good voice wants to flaunt her shit - then go girl etc etc

But. My point is. 1) I will go out and get the Alastair recommendation, because anything that gets anyone going that much has to be worth a listen, and 2) I have a Neko Case/John Peel story.

There I was, on my own in my room in Oxford, listening to Peelie, when this beautiful, beautiful country song came on. I don't, as a rule, like country music, but the voice was so soulful and pure and strong and gentle and amazing and the song was so different and alt. country and lovely and cool, I stopped whatever I was doing (writing, I think) and soaked it all up. It was proper mmm. Of course what made it even better was that Peelie came off the back of the track saying something like "That was blah taken from the album Furnace Room Lullaby, by Neko Case and her Boyfriends and it was frankly so amazing that we're going to play it again."

Which he did. In all the history of ever, things have been played on the Peel show twice not very often at all. Certainly the number is in single figures. So to have someone who apparently knew a fair bit about popular music share the same "ooh, that's good" moment, was, obviously, nice.

I've subsequently met the record label owner who brought Neko Case to Britain and he said that moment changed the fortunes of his company overnight and to the producer who was working on the show that night, who said there was a serious debate about whether or not they should play the tune 3 times and they only decided not to at the last moment because it would mean dropping a session tune.

Obviously I bought the Furnace Room Lullaby album and it is a classic. If you ever buy a country album and don't know where to start - it is jes' brilliant.

Love the norks, love the voice. Not quite sure what she's doing, but hey. Respect to her Boyfriends.

Listening too long - to one song

2006-02-02T21:24:00.000Z

I'm sure I sent most of our regular readers an email announcing my new radio show on Resonance FM, and some of you have even listened in (audition, 9.30pm on Sunday nights, listen again facility soon to be available at our website). Those of you who did tune in (and/or any of you who've ever heard my Toshi Nakamura CDs) will have bemoaned the lack of tunes and may even have wondered whether I like this stuff out of spite and perhaps have something against harmony and melody.

Au contraire. I love proper pop songs too, it's just that I find little in the current scene that interests me. But I'm raving about my latest discovery.

If you read Pitchfork or Stylus (or for all I know, Mojo) you'll probably be familiar with them, but The New Pornographers hit me like a bolt from the blue. Or more precisely, the towering pop genius of "Sing Me Spanish Techno", a track from their latest album, "Twin Cinema", did. It is the catchiest thing I've heard in years. I heard it by accident, as I happened upon Liz Kershaw's show on BBC7 one bored Saturday . I downloaded an MP3 of it onto my pc and had it looping on my RealPlayer over and over and over. It stuck in my head for days. I found myself singing "Listening too long - to one song!" in the weirdest places. And yet I still haven't "listened too long" to it.

My order for the album is in at Amazon. And you can hear the track in question in full by clicking on the title in the paragraph above. MP3 blogging comes to The Lock In!

This is the band, a Canadian super group no less:

And here's a picture of singer Neko Case in her underwear.

It's a Boy!!

2006-01-28T10:46:00.000Z

We've just had the 20 week scan and the scan lady told us that it was a boy

All Hail the Prince of Pastry

PL

It's been beautiful

2006-01-13T20:44:00.000Z

So that was 2005 - happy new year y'all. What a truly wonderful twelve months - great people, great blog - tactless references to wedding of the year notwithstanding.

My highlights were:

Meeting Alastair's girlfriend.
Finally getting a free drink at the Met Bar.
Getting felt up by Leee John, off of Imagination.
Meeting Alastair's girlfriend.
Spending more than three hundred quid on a pair of lower front wishbones for the Peugeot.
Meeting Alastair's girlfriend.

I think that's it.

I think...

Happy New Year

2006-01-02T21:51:00.000Z

Looks like I'm the first to post either here or at big brother blog Will's Pub Guide in 2006, so a happy new year to all our readers.

It's the time for looking back over the past year and thinking about the future. 2005 was a good year for me, after a series of pretty awful ones. I spent the first few months recovering from a serious operation which (touch wood) has sorted my back problems out once and for all. OK, so I broke a couple of fingers in the summer, but otherwise I'm as healthy as I've been for a long time. I promoted my first concert in May, have recorded my first CD, and will be starting a radio show on Resonance FM very shortly. I travelled to New York and to Dublin, and of course York for the wedding of the year. I've been blessed with some fantastic friends, some of the best of which are contributors to this blog.

And I met the lovely Louise. Looking forward to 2006.

That groom's speech in full...

2005-12-26T14:47:00.000Z

You may notice some similarities to the Wallis speech. They are entirely intentional...

Well, the future Mrs Jackson is now just Mrs Jackson! That will take some getting used to - it's a tough job, but I hope I'm the man to do it...

I did have a great speech worked out for you today, but as we’re now married, Helen has told me what to say instead.

So, here goes - first in a long list of thank yous from, (COUGH) MY WIFE AND I is to you ALL for coming today, and for the incredibly generous gifts you’ve given us. It means a great deal to us that a lot of people - many of whom think Hampstead is the far north - have come to join us for our big day.

Thank you also to Harry for the kind words and best wishes, and to both him and Susan for the considerable help they've given us with today. I still don't know what they make of this southern media jessie that Helen brought home for the first time almost seven years ago. I don't even claim to understand the offside rule or what a double accumulator each-way is, but they've both been extremely kind to me - not least allowing me to marry their daughter! It’s frightening how trusting people can be! There are flowers for Susan, and a crate of beer is on its way to Hartlepool.
(Flowers for Susan)

As some of you will know, Helen's grandad passed away last week, and we’re obviously disappointed he isn't around to share this day with us, as I'm sure he would have been enormously proud at how beautiful his grand-daughter looked today. Both Bill and Evelyn have been so welcoming that they are like my own adopted grandparents, and I am eternally grateful for that. They were married over sixty years ago – which has given us something to aim for; I’ll be very pleased if we are as happy as they’ve been together after all that time. My own Nan, who was from NewCASTle, died a few years back, but I know that in turn she would be very happy that I've chosen a canny North Eastern lass like Helen.

Secondly, unfortunately my Mum isn't well enough to be here tonight, and my Dad has chosen to stay at home and get under her feet. This has at least saved us from him requesting "Agadoo" in the disco later. Again, they love Helen dearly and we have to thank them for helping us with today's event. There are beer and flowers (I hope those arrive the right way round) on their way to Seaford. My Uncle Stuart and Auntie Janet are doing a great job of representing them here today and here's some flowers to say thanks again...
(Flowers for Stuart & Janet)

Whilst we're on the subject of flowers, there are some beautiful displays on the top of the pillars here. We can't leave them in the hall, so if you'd like to take one home with you, please feel free - it'll save Nick Wallis having to clear them up at the end of the night. Also, there is a picture frame – you may be wondering what that’s for – we’d love you to sign it, and we’ll use it to frame one of our photos of today.

People have asked about our courtship… our first date was to the bear-pit that is the midnight show at the Comedy Store; that went well, so I decided to try Helen’s culinary tastes, and being the class act that I am, took her to the fish and chip shop in Covent Garden that’s called “The Rock and Sole Plaice” (geddit?). When she liked that, I thought, perhaps this is the one for me?

The reading you heard from Nick Wallis about Waterloo Bridge was chosen because I thought I’d try taking her there to see the romantic view of the London skyline at night. Unfortunately, I bottled it - so our first kiss was at the slightly less glamorous location of Embankment tube station!

Many of you will know that I used to produce a breakfast show, with Steve Hyland, who I still love like a brother, and is here today. Well, in true breakfast show style – no, I haven’t cut a few funny stories out of the paper - but I did manage to look up that radio favourite – what happened on this day in history! One stood out as particularly appropriate. On 10th December, in 1883, that rarest of rare things – a blue moon occurred. Well, ladies and gentlemen, someone like Helen only comes along once in a blue moon, and that’s why I wanted to make her my wife.

Look-alike, radio travel news presenter, voiceover, TV producer, karaoke singer extraordinaire, character actress... and now beautiful bride - most people might be lucky enough to marry one of these… in Helen I have them all. I’m not quite sure what she’s doing with me - I can only assume perhaps she’s not as bright as she looks.
More thank yous need to go to the Best Man, Antony, of whom more in a minute, and the Ushers, Ian, Alastair and Adam, for stopping me from spending all afternoon in the pub. Spoilsports! Despite this, they still get some presents...
(Ushers' tankards)
I'm holding Antony's back until I've heard the speech.

Also to the others who have given their time to help us out - the other Will for videoing the ceremony so my parents can watch me sweating down the front of the hall, Nick Ratclifte for agreeing to DJ when he could be enjoying it with the rest of us, Nick Wallis for speaking and providing a substantial part of this speech as well as general moral support, and Nicola for also providing a wonderful reading. I think that's everyone called Nick.

Thank you to Diana Naish, Sophie and all of her catering staff, who have done a great job today, and will have to deal with your thirsts behind the bar later on. Also to Wayne, The Chocolate Guy, responsible for the fountain. And before the first dance, we have a piece of audio that’s been specially produced by James Stodd. I have no idea what’s on it, but please give it your full attention!

Also a huge thank you to Charlesworth and Hunt Theatrical Costumiers for making all the dresses - they've never done wedding dresses before, but I'm sure you'll agree all that everyone looks fabulous, dahling! If anyone is staging a musical in the next few months they've brought some business cards...

And last but not at all least, the bridesmaids, Wai, Viv, Nic, Louise and Holly - the second-best looking women in the room, after my wife - oh, and of course the Mother in Law. We also can't forget our pageboy Sam - we have gifts for you all:
(Bridesmaids' necklaces & pageboy's tankard)
So ladies and gentlemen, please charge your glasses and be upstanding for… THE BRIDESMAIDS!

============

I first met my best man in Flat Eleven of Bertrand Russell Tower at Essex University where we were both Freshers. We quickly became friends - I introduced him to radio, we shared an adopted home of the University Top Bar, and he gave me a temporary Brummie accent which horrified my parents when I came home for Christmas. Little has changed since - he still inexpicably drinks pints of cider, has maybe less hair, but we still get on famously.

After Essex, Antony worked at Haymarket publications where he met a beautiful Irish girl, Gillian, and I was privileged to be asked to be his Best Man. Ant and Gill didn't make me go through the ordeal that a Best Man's speech can be - but frankly, he's not getting out of it tonight!

Antony moved over to Ireland a few years back - and so I must thank him and Gill for coming so far to be here with us tonight. It remains to be seen whether I'll still be thanking him in a few minutes time. But we are all the more fortunate for his presence here with us today.

Put simply, the man is an inspirational public speaker. I can guarantee this day will stay with you for the rest of your lives. Like other life-changing events, you will remember exactly where you were. Your children will look up at you and say: "Daddy - tell us again about the day you heard Antony Whittall speak".

When Antony opens his mouth, the room falls silent, drinks go undrunk, cigarettes go unsmoked. DJs hush their records. Time stands still.

Antony can speak for hours, without notes, yet it seems like seconds. He can evoke laughter and tears - audiences are putty in his hands, and cling to his every word. The magic and charisma drip from every sentence, and transcend mere sounds. To use a radio phrase, this is "theatre of the mind" at its finest - I've never yet seen an audience he hasn't left whooping and hollering and on their feet begging for more.

We are therefore all privileged to be in the presence of such once-in-a-lifetime greatness. World leaders request audiences with this man, global stars fall over themselves for moments in his presence. People pay tens of thousands of pounds, and travel across continents to hear this man speak - he's yours tonight for the price of a return ticket on GNER! I am both humbled and honoured to introduce the single best - Best Man's speech that you will ever hear in your lives... Ladies and Gentlemen: Antony Whittall!

====

The best man, Antony Whittall. I think the build-up was justified by that. I was best man for Nick Wallis a few months ago and he did that to me, so it’s only fair to do it to someone else. To say sorry, we have another gift for Antony, plus there's a crate of cider on the way too...
(BM's tankard)

Well, how do we follow that? With one of the best DJs around - except we couldn't afford him, so I've got a mate in instead. I had the delight of producing him at Mercury FM; he's the man behind such legendary features as, er, Ratcliffe's Riddle. He's played for princesses and Robbie Williams (manager) - now he's here tonight. Don’t forget to sign the picture frame, but in the meantime, ladies and gentlemen, the caterers need to do the washing up, so please head downstairs for The Nick Ratcliffe Disco Roadshow!

The Greatest Wedding Of The Century

2005-12-26T14:13:00.000Z

Well - with apologies to everyone whose wedding I've been to - if I don't think it was TGWOTC, then who will?!

I can only repeat what I said in my speech (see above!) - thank you to everyone who made it to York, and for the great gifts. You will get a thank you card (if TCMJs spreadsheet has worked correctly), but not until we're back from honeymoon here.

Will Kinder is now working on the DVD for the Spring release of a three disc collectors edition box set (TBC). I can exclusively reveal that the out-takes reel will include Helen knocking back a glass of mulled wine in one, and me checking my watch during Antony's speech. Despite what it looks like, I wasn't bored HONEST, just worried that I'd gone on too long. Curse those cameras that see EVERYTHING!

In the meantime, if you can't wait and would like to hear the excellent promo that James Stodd and Will Kinder produced (yes, those are the Capital newsreaders, thanks Matthew and Tony!) then TCMJ has worked out that the best way to do this is to put the audio on our wedding homepage. There, you'll see a link marked "wedding promo". Click on that and 6'24" of glorious production (7.3MB download - so may take a while!) should arrive for your listening pleasure. For some reason we're not entirely sure of, you may need to add the .mp3 extension to the file name for it to work.

Whilst you're downloading that, here's my lovely WIFE and I:

And some other hangers on:

Start as you mean to go on: The Queens Hotel Bar, 0030, Saturday

I don't believe Al was as drunk as he looks here, haranguing passers-by

Never ones to miss an opportunity to play to the camera...

The Second Greatest Wedding of the Century

2005-12-17T11:22:00.000Z

With no posts here for a while, I can only assume everyone is still recovering from the Second Greatest Wedding of the Century. For those of you unfortunate enough not to be there, here is a review of the wedding of Mr and Mrs Will Jackson.

It was a smart move. Get married in the middle of York, on a Saturday, two weeks before Christmas. Hundreds of people from all over the country rushing around at the last minute, filling York's narrow streets to bursting point. And there were those people who were doing their Christmas Shopping as well. The Merchant Adventurers Hall is a lovely setting, a perfect setting for a wedding in fact. But it was a bugger to get parked. Thank God I had friends in York who were kind enough to give me a lift into the center.

Will looked quite relaxed for someone about to undergo the rigours of marriage. 'I do' is the shortest sentance in the english language. Today, 'I do' was also the start of the longest.

The music started and Helen appeared, looking stunning in her dress, (Will can post the pictures). She must have been keen, because she almost sprinted down the isle until a gentle tug from Mr Quigley brought her back to a gentle canter.

Blah Blah, Do You? Blah Blah I Do, Blah Blah Do You? Blah Blah I Do, You may now kiss the Bride.

Which he did. Cue Lots of Photos.

A period of mingling where I caught up with Lord and Lady Wallis and some Trafficlink people I hadn't seen in donkey's years ensued before Dinner was served.

For starters, we had a selection of Hors D'Oeuvres which our table of uncouths quickly devoured and then onto the main course, traditional roast beef dinner, with a twist. Someone on each table was given a chef's hat, apron and carving implements. A cow was then led round each table and the nominated person had to carve off a bit for each person. This was a good thing, and made a change from everything being on a plate.

The best part though, was pudding, (or dessert as the posh folks down South call it). A Chocolate Fountain. Hot running chocolate with a variety of things to dip into it. One visit just wasn't enough, and the fountain was certainly the hit of the evening.

TCMJ (The Current Mrs Jackson) might like to check out this link for some Birthday ideas.

Speech, Speech... Maybe Will could put the speeches online for us. Some of them were quite funny.

And on to the dancing. I had to leave at this point, so maybe Lord Wallis could continue, but before I left I witnessed the first dance and before the first dance, in true Radio Meeja Luvvie style, was a cracking piece of audio, put together by friends of Will who work at proper radio stations. Please Will, find a way to get it online.

And then I had to go. It was a good night, but far too short for me. Many thanks to my EVIL boss who wouldn't let Lady Pie have time off work to attend

Who's next???

PL

P.S. In case any of you were wondering, the greatest wedding of the century was mine.

Beer Goggles - An Explanation

2005-11-28T12:39:00.000Z

Everyone, read this now...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/manchester/4468884.stm

Whilst this information could be potentially usefull to Pub Guiders, It does raise certain questions..

1) Why would anyone pay for the research in the first place
2) Someone spent time coming up with a formula...!!!

This is also a good follow up link

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/2201198.stm

I'm really in the wrong job.

PL

All Hail The Earl of Pies

2005-11-17T22:59:00.000Z

Or the little lady of course. Congratulations and HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

Sorry I'm 15 minutes late. How did you celebrate? Next year it'll be take out pizza and a cuddle from your nipper.

Well done mate. Get down to the SRA awards now - it's your last chance for the next 18 years. Please pass on my best to Mrs Lord.

N

Announcement

2005-11-17T18:55:00.000Z

Today (Thursday 17th November) is my birthday.

This post was going to be a missive berating you all for not remembering, until it occurred to me that I have no idea when any of your birthday's are, so it would be wrong of me to do so, as the chances are that I've missed them all.

Perhaps we need a link, with a list of everyone's birthdays on it, (or at least the WPG Research Team) so we can organise a drink or something.

So instead of wallowing in 'no-one's offered to buy me a drink for my birthday' blues, I would like to make an announcement, one which I'm afraid Will isn't going to like.

Kim is pregnant. I'm going to be a Daddy.

She's about 10 weeks gone, and we've had the first scan, so the shock has worn off and reality has hit home. Sometime in mid June, our little baby will be born.

Will's post 'Parents Read This' has let us know his views on children, but what I think he will fear most is that 'The Lock In' is going to turn into 'Father's Question Time'. Lord Wallis is desperate to enthuse about his little delight, and now he has an ally; a fellow parent with whom to share those wonderful hints and tips on babyhood.

Let the sleepless nights commence

PL

You realise I don't have to talk to you anymore

2005-10-31T22:05:00.000Z

I just have to sweep by with a regal wave now I've had a package on Radio 4's Today programme introduced by James Naughtie and back anno'd by John Humphrys. It was like being in the middle of the ultimate aural sandwich.

I notice none of you commoners heard it. It almost matches the moment I treasure above all others (and which takes pride of place on my demo) - John Peel introducing me to read the news during his programme - the temptation to just scream "I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!" to the nation instead of a headline was almost overwhelming. but, you know, I managed.

Of the people who did text me after this seminal event (the Radio 4 one), there was a public school history teacher from Norwich, the managing director of a stock market listed company and someone who works at Buckingham Palace. It's a very downmarket programme.

If I had the werewithall I'd post it up. But I'd rather tell you all about my wonderful daughter. As the only parent who posts on this site, consider me warned. I'm sorry if my droning worship of the young lady that takes up a good deal of my time somehow finds its way into polite company. I'll try and stay on message in future.

And the message is...

I still don't go to pubs. Well I do, but so infrequently I have nothing constructive to say about them other than Thank God They Still Exist. I was with Ally (our Marylebone Correspondent - total postings: 0) at the Yorkshire Grey in W1 (scene of the Radio Showbiz Reporters 2004 Christmas Drink - more injuries than my stag do - and frankly some better quality gossip) the other lunchtime shortly after he showed me round the All New Western House, and...

The Yorkshire Grey is a Sam Smith pub, which must be, as far as I can make out, the state brewer. Where else can you get huge pubs, cheap beer, depressing atmosphere, central locations, historic buildings and the exact opposite of everything that Wetherspoons stands for?

Actually I've got a better analogy - Wetherspoons is ITV and Sam Smith is BBC. Both serve the same purpose but in very different ways.

Anyway, everyone knows what a Sam Smith's pubs is like, but the thought that came out of it was "Are there more good pubs in Soho, Noho and Mayfair than the rest of the country put together?" Discuss. And I'm not counting those perfect country pubs, that on closer inspection turn out to be restaurants.

Er right. This was meant to be a review of Theakston's Old Peculier, Bombadier and the first one, whose name I can't remember, but it's now more of a sorry warning about their effects. Which can't be all bad.

I'm off to look for houses in Kingston tomorrow, which on first sight has a lot of decent pubs, so I'm reasonably intrigued.

Love you all very much.

Nx

More on life south of the river...

2005-10-09T13:32:00.000+01:00

If the South London Press isn't already the most unremittingly grim read, now they've found this, in our very own back gardens. Are we sure Chris Morris isn't now writing for the SLP?

NATURE lovers fear that squirrels could become hooked on crack cocaine plundered from addicts' hidden stashes...
Squirrels on crack

Parents - read this!

2005-10-09T13:26:00.000+01:00

I think that Charlie Brooker is psychic. He has been looking in my head and writing down what he finds for his excellent column in The Guardian. This sums up my position on children - especially as we too live in bloody "Nappy Valley" - nicely...

I hate kids. Hate them all without exception. Even yours. Especially yours. Especially if it's a boy and you named it Jake. And if you've ever written a chummy diary article about Jake for a Sunday supplement, I wish nothing short of death upon you. Death by wasps and bombs and razorwire. In a thunderstorm. While Jake looks on in horror. Because I hate parents too...
Supposing... we had annoying child distress flares.

Danger Will Jackson...

2005-09-19T18:05:00.000+01:00

We all like a drink.

That's why WPG was formed, so we can find somewhere nice to do it.

But sometimes things get out of hand and we drink too much. This is bad.

So here is a gentle reminder of what could happen if we drink too much.

http://www.dzienpoimprezie.prv.pl/

PL

You know who you look like?

2005-09-02T17:33:00.000+01:00

Making a pleasant change from me being asked that question, I'd like to propose a looky-likey of my own.

This afternoon, comedian Rhod Gilbert popped in Paramount Towers to be briefed on his new exciting new role with the channel. I'll be working very closely with this nice young man. During my conversation with him, something about him struck me as familiar.

Can you see who it is yet?

The Internet - Work of Genius

2005-08-31T12:38:00.000+01:00

It's been quiet on here for a while, so I thought I'd pass on a few wonderful Internet time wasters.

http://www.luckykazoo.com/media/2005/03/cillit-bang-remix.html
http://www.luckykazoo.com/media/2005/03/e-sure-remix.html

Turn up the speakers and rock out... PURE GENIUS

http://www.nearlygood.com/video/einsteinthebird.html

Hilarious

http://www.nearlygood.com/video/amarilloarmysong.html

Great micky take

Enjoy

PL

You loved the beer...

2005-08-30T12:50:00.000+01:00

...now let's buy St Peter's Brewery!

Independent brewery put up for sale

Any suggestions for where we can find £20M? Do have a look down the back of your sofa. We'd get the Jerusalem Tavern in Clerkenwell too...

Here's my review of the brewery; and here's the pub review.

Hopback Brewery's Summer Lightning

2005-08-22T20:49:00.000+01:00

Looks horrible...

But tastes (assume extreme 'strine accent) divine.

It's another bottle conditioned job, but with a lot chiunkier yeast which settles quickly. It won the CAMRA Gold Medal for best strong beer in 2001 and tastes fuckin' lovely.

Maybe I overchilled the others and didn't let the flavour come out. This one wasn't so cold, but the flavour was indubitably superior to the other two. It was also stronger, and at 5%, that's when the alcohol flavour really starts to come through (and make you realise that you couldn't really have more than 4 bottles without getting pissed)

But despite the ugliness of the bottle - Is that Dave Lee Travis?

Yes it is!

it's easily the best bitter.

Unfortunately, as an aesthete, I would go for the Wychwood brewed Duchy Original every time because it is such a beautiful label, but Summer Lightning nearly sneaks it because it points out on the back label that it is a source of folic acid - only something of any use to pregnant women!

Duchy Originals - Summer Ale

2005-08-22T20:32:00.000+01:00

Here she is then...

I would say as lovely a label as the St. Peters. This is a bottle conditioned feller, but not in the way of a, say, Will Jackson. The yeast is a lot finer and as a result and takes a lot longer to settle.

It does say on the label that it's fine to drink cloudy, and equally fine to wait - it just depends whether you want a cloudy beer or not.

I waited quite a while and still got a cloudy beer.

Anyway, this was a lot lighter in colour than the St. Peters, and, as you'd expect, just as lagery. This isn't an insult, as it lacks the chemical aftertaste of a lot of lagers, but it did just taste like a very very nice lager. Which is fine by me.

And, being a Duchy Original, it's organic too, which means it's good for you. Woah look - I've just found the blurb, and guess what? It's brewed by Wychwood, who say this:

"Duchy Originals Summer Ale 4.7%
Available exclusively in Waitrose Stores over the Summer months, this is a bottle-conditioned, un-pasteurised beer, with a small amount of live yeast left in the bottle.

Brewed with Plumage Archer barley, blended with a small amount of malted wheat, and organic Fuggles and Goldings hops from Belgium. English Target hops are added after the boil to produce an aroma both light and citrussy, but with rich undertones of marmalade.

Jeremy Moss, Head Brewer's Tasting Note
“For Duchy Originals’ Summer Ale, we wanted to create a delicate straw-coloured beer bursting with summer-time flavours. So it has been brewed with more than a nod to the hop, which has given it accentuated citrus aromas, followed swiftly by hints of dried fruit and marmalade.

On the palate, there are delicate flavours of grapefruit and melon offset by an almost pine like hop flavour and a long lingering finish. Bring on the barbeque!”

This beer can either be drunk clear, poured carefully so as to leave its yeast at the foot of the bottle; or it can be enjoyed cloudy, with all the goodness of the natural yeast still in the glass."

Well, yeah, I still think it tasted like a lager. Anyway - highly recommended and only £1.65 a bottle.

St. Peter's Organic Ale

2005-08-21T03:21:00.000+01:00

That's this one. I'd just started it at 9.30pm last Tuesday night when Five Live called asking for a 2-way on Madonna's hospitalisation.

This involved plugging my mic and headphones into my laptop, firing up the wireless broadband, connceting to BBC traffic on Skype and talking to Phil Williams in quality on national radio from my sitting room whilst Nic breast-fed Amy alongside me. A Dickensian scene of domestic bliss.

So in the general panic, the St.Peter's tasting session became a bit of a secondary issue as I drank it in several nervous gulps whilst I was waiting to go on air.

I can exclusively reveal, however, that it seemed quite nice - not amazing, but very drinkable. I think I may have over-chilled it, which was probably a mistake. It's only 4.0% and therefore quite subtle, but it's one of those lovely bottles that adds a bit of class to proceedings, it's organic (so therefore actually good for you) and it's only £1.59 from Waitrose, so I shall have to try it a few more times.

Nick

PS The next day I got the lead package on Newsbeat at 1245 and 1745 and then went on the 7 o'clock news to talk about Madonna and Eminem, leading me to wish more celebrities would get ill. In a nice way.

Proposal

2005-08-15T23:55:00.000+01:00

No, not that sort. Once is enough. However, it has not escaped my notice, that over the last few weeks I haven't actually been to any pubs. In fact I've been to one pub, and it was brilliant, and as I was walking past it in the early morning sunshine I decided it would be a lovely thing to do to take a photo of it so I could post it on the pub guide and describe it in detail.

Then I realised the batteries on my camera (which seem to work on a one battery per photo ratio) had run out and I couldn't. And so I got depressed.

In the last week I have spent £20. £20. Yes I have been working virtually every day, and nights at that, but really, twenty quid suggests I might well be spending a lot of time at home, which, last time I looked, wasn't a pub. (More like a IKEA showroom cum nursery with random Nick Cave CDs and half-hearted electrical equipment)

So. I propose either another lock-in style spin o
ff blog dedicated to bottled speciality beer, or I appropriate the Lock In to write about bottled beer, as, frankly, I've been drinking a few over the last couple of months.

Basically since ordering a crate of proper beer from the Vale Brewery in order to decide which would win the Will Jackson Celebration Ale TM licence, (and the stronger stuff was too sweet, thanks Alastair) I've realised the difference between real beer and the usual offy crap.

actually it was more down to trying to drink a can of Grolsch after drinking some of the Vale Brewery's finest and it was just horrible. So, to start, a true story:

I went to my local offy on Willesden High Road. Not the every-other-shop offy, but the dedicated offy, the branded offy, the Unwins.

The Unwins is run by the sort of person you'd be if you were a scouser, divorced, quite bright, in love with booze, and in charge of an off licence. The temperature in the Willesden off-licence is never less than sweltering. ever.

I would think it was a ruse to divert people to the chillier (and more expensive) fare in the fridges, were it not for the fact that I know he's thinking: "Fokkin 'ell! Heat! Not lettin' that go! Best not do anything in case it goes cold."

So I go into the sweltering (and, almost smelly, but saved by the level of wood chip) offy and ask yer man if he's got any quality bottled ales on special.

"no."

he says.

so, I browse. and frankly, the only downside about drinking offy real ale rather than lager is that the price per unit of alcohol doubles. At least. But hey, if you want quality...

So I picked three innocuous bottles of ale out of the top shelf (they're always on the top shelf... exciting moment). and let's say it was something like Adnams Broadside or whatever - and it was £1.79 a bottle. So I took it to the till and he rang it in and it came up £4. So I looked at him, he looked at me and he rang it through again and it came up £4.

So I said "I'll pay for this before it changes its mind" and handed him the money.

As I was leaving he said

"Wait a minute"

I turned.

"Le'mme jus' 'ave a leuwchk."

And he started looking through a pile of price cards which were due to go on the shelves. After flicking through a few he said

"Owww yeh! 'ere we are. Buy 3 Adnams Broadside for £4!"

What are the chances of me picking not just the only real ale on offer, but exactly the right number of ales to qualify? Serendipity, baby. Actually someone clever can work it out - let's say there were 15 different bottled ales in the offy and I could have bought between one and 4. So... fifteen to the power of four to one? I don't know.

So anyway - tonight, in order to watch the test match I bought 2 bottles of Fullers Lord's Ales TM.

Lord's Ale - pah!

Now - a cricket ale... yes. A licensed TM (Entertainment Rights Ltd) of a "brand" grafted onto a lacklustre ale in order to take advantage of the fact that people are starting to take more of an interest in bottled ale and so might be drawn to "linkages" like cricket can fucking well fuck off. Shit ale too. 4% of tastelessness. The only upside was that it was so lagery Nic liked it when we shared the second bottle for dinner. It's the first bitter I've ever seen her drink. If it gets her into real ale it'll be like when Chris (one of my ushers) got his girlfriend into nick cave. Nirvana. Well, Cavopia, whatever.

Amy is fine and sends you all her regards.

Nx

Happiness...

2005-08-07T14:06:00.000+01:00

Things that have made me laugh recently, other than that Eugene looks increasingly likely to win Big Brother - we can learn a great deal about ourselves from that fact - have included the following:

See above!

Never overestimate your listeners...

Every one a winner; and besides, monkeys are funny, aren't they?
From Entertainment Weekly.

No, I don't know why!
From Private Eye.

That Groom's speech in full

2005-08-05T07:28:00.000+01:00

Just thought you might be interested - I'll try and get some photos up soon too.

Simon thank you for those kind and touching words. How do you think that went compared to when your eldest daughter was married? Better? Jill? What do you think? Vick? Second time around – nae bother, eh?

Ladies and Gentlemen, shortly after I got engaged, I realised I’d be able to stand before you today and say: “I’m Nick Wallis… and so’s my wife.”

Right now I am the happiest man on the planet, but before I pay tribute to my beautiful bride, Nicola and I, sorry… my wife and I have a few thank yous to make.

First of all, there are some certain special young ladies who I know have been looking forward to today for months. Our beautiful bridesmaids. They’ve been charming and delightful and behaved impeccably all day (it says here). Megan, Hannah, Emma and Louise you look absolutely perfect. We are all so proud of you. If Megan, Emma, Hannah and Louise are here, we have some little presents for you. Whilst Nicola is handing them out, ladies and gentlemen if you could show your appreciation for and raise your glasses to… the bridesmaids!

[give gifts – goody bags]

Thanks are also due to Anna, Becky and Vick from Bridesmaids R Us. You’re right, they do look just like they did in the catalogue.

Now, to the ushers. Gentlemen if you could stand up. We’d also like to give you a token of our appreciation and introduce you properly to our guests. Ladies and gentlemen I hope you will agree they’ve done a first rate job of stewarding us this afternoon. This is my brother Tom, who saw me through childhood. Matt Ford, who saw me through school. Chris and Ally, who saw me through Radio Oxford, and Tim Wilson, who’s just seen me marry his sister. Gents, thanks so much for everything you’ve done today, we really appreciate it.

[give gifts – engraved pewter tankards]

There is also one particularly smart young gentleman to whom we should pay tribute. Peter Jewell was the first of the new generation to find his way into the family, and he has become a great friend and a first class nephew. Peter, thank you so much for agreeing to be Chief Usher’s Chief Helper today, you’ve been absolutely brilliant, and I am very grateful.

[give gift – half pint version of above]

There is also, of course, my best man, Will Jackson, but I think it would be wise to give him his present after his speech, just in case…

Now, there is one group of people without whom we wouldn’t be here. Nic and I wouldn’t be anywhere, but none of us would actually be here. I refer, of course, to our parents.

Firstly I'd like to thank Jill and Simon Wilson, my new parents-in-law. I met them for the first time six years ago, and quickly discovered two things. Simon appears to own a magic bottle of white wine. Always exceptional quality, always chilled to perfection and it never seems to run out. And he's always very generous with it. Incidentally, at Christmas, this is supplemented by a magic bottle of port, with very similar qualities.

The second thing is that Jill is quite the most exceptional cook. Through her amazing food, I've been inspired to make numerous failed cheesecakes, lasagnes, pies and puddings. If I ever manage to make a meal as good as yours I'll die a happy man.
I am also deeply indebted to you for the amount of time and energy you've put into today. The wine, the design, the catering, the lights, the musicians, the flowers - all commissioned, chased, chivvied and generally knocked into shape over the last twelve months by you.

We are - I am - very grateful. It's perfect, it really is. And you even let me get a few ideas in of my own, didn't you Jill? And we didn't actually manage to fall out. Mind you, you weren't officially my mother-in-law then, so it's probably all downhill from here.

But sincerely and honestly, I couldn't have wished for a kinder, more welcoming and generous mother- and father-in-law. I know that all you've ever wanted is for your children to be happy. I promise I will make Nicola's happiness my priority for the rest of my life.

Now. Mum and Dad. What can I say? Thank goodness for unconditional love. I realise I haven't been the perfect son, but you've always been there to support me and that counts for a lot. Thanks also for your considerable contribution to the wedding, and Dad - thanks again for the maps on the wedding invites. I think I can say again with some certainty, that without that particular contribution, none of us would be here today.

[give gifts] - flowers for the mums - nice red wine for the dads.

There are so many other people to thank - Anne and Gay for looking after Baby Amy all day today, Clive and Wendy for putting up three of our guests - we really are grateful to everyone that helped make this day so special. There are, however, two people who've gone above and beyond the call of duty for us and we'd like especially to thank them:

The Wilsons are in a good position when it comes to weddings. As well as being lucky enough to have a BBC-trained sound engineer in the family - and I would invite you to listen to this - [hold mic in air] - pure hiss-free audio gold - you can't buy that - you only get it from thirty years of experience.

But the Wilsons are also able to count on a graphic design team in their midst. Tim and Jess not only designed, printed and shipped every single invite, order of service, menu and name tage. They did it from Australia. And have so far refused to accept a penny in payment for it.

It's not as if we were easy clients. Nic, Jill and I would convene meetings - is that pink too pink? too leafy or too flowery? I remember we even had a discussion about the angle of one of the flower stems in what felt like the 37th version of the design - is too far forward? too low? In all cases the solution was to send it back to Tim and ask him to come up with another four re-designs. And that's before we started negotiating over paragraph alignments. Your patience and good humour throughout the whole process frankly astounded me. Nic and I are very grateful and I hope everyone here will agree you’ve made an inspired job of it.

Tim and Jess are also the furthest travelled - from Melbourne. They just pipped Dopper and Jacqui who made it over from Sydney. Honourable mentions are also due to Becky and Richard and Brenda and Richard who are over from Hong Kong. I'd also like to mention Jo and Brendan who flew in from Belfast, Tom and Kat from Dulmen in Germany and Angela and Lawrence who made the arduous journey from Newcastle. Britain's transport infrastructure being what it is, it's them I'm most surprised about making it.

It's also a very proud tradition on occasions like this to pay tribute to the oldest and youngest guests. I hope she won't mind me saying that the oldest, by nearly 20 years, is Grandma Wallis. We are sincerely delighted that you are here. Although with those sunglasses on you do look like the head of an organised crime syndicate. I would warn everyone Grandma is considerably more lucid than most people half her age.

Many of you may be thinking the youngest person here is little Amy at ten weeks. Not so. That honour goes to the eight week old Josie Ford.

Matt and I shared a room at school, had a joint 18th birthday party far too many years ago at the officers' mess just down the road in Middle Wallop. To become fathers within two weeks of each other has made this year all the more special. I'd like to wish Matt and his wife Alex all the best for the future - you make a great couple and Josie really is a darling little girl.

Now, if you will permit me a few moments to pay tribute to my extraordinarily beautiful new wife.

I realise here and now I am the luckiest person alive and I can honestly say this is the happiest day of my life. Nicola is my heart and soul, and my reason for getting up in the morning - well, one of two reasons for getting up in the morning, but as she was mainly responsible for that second reason anyway, so she deserves the credit, anyway...

A lot of people quite naturally assume I met Nicola working at Radio 1 - this is not actually the case. In fact, we met around eight years ago when I was the Chair of the Student Radio Association and Nic was an administrator at the Radio Academy. The director of the Radio Academy wanted to discuss formalising a relationship with the SRA and invited me to a meeting to see if we could work together.

To give you a little bit of context, the SRA was an organisation in need of friends. We had just got Matthew Bannister's Radio 1 onside to set up the Student Radio Awards, but we had no money, no administrative base and no idea how we were going to stumble from one year to the next. For the Director of the industry's trade body to invite you round to discuss a formal relationship between the two organisations was a big deal. Especially if you had half an eye on getting a job in said industry, as well, if you know what I mean.

As we all know in situations like this, appearances are very important and first impressions count. I would have to wear something appropriate to a business meeting, but in media, perhaps a suit and tie would be a little too much. After all, I represented a student group and no one likes a student in a suit. So what did I end up wearing to the meeting that would define the fate of my organisation and very possibly my own career?

Well I've actually kept it all those years and brought it along today. It's this:

[hold up Monaco FC replica home strip circa 1990]

A Monaco FC home-strip circa Chrissy Waddle era. Mr Dalton could you take a photo of me with this, because I think when the speeches are over I'm going to take it outside and ceremonially burn it.

After this incident it was two whole years before Nicola would even consider going out with me. We could all have been sitting here in 2003 if I had worn something else. Anything else.

We've been together a long time now. It doesn't seem like a very long time - that's not what I meant. But six years is quite a while. And it's been quite a journey, we've visited some strange and exotic places together, Chile, Australia, Hong Kong, Wales... We've bought a home and a car together and gone from being underpaid graduates working in the media to... oh. Well some things never change, do they?

However there has been one event so life-changing and special and even more important than our wedding, and that, of course, has been the arrival of Amy into our lives. To me she is perfect, and all the perfection in her comes from Nicola, and I just hope I can make my two girls happy by doing what I do and striving to be a better husband and father day by day.

I would like to thank you Nicola for looking so beautiful today, for making me the proudest groom for agreeing to spend the rest of your life with me, for giving us Amy and for being so patient, kind and so full of love that it flows out of you and lights up my life. Thank you.

Finally I would like to offer a special vote of thanks to you, my friends, for being here today. Weddings can be an enormous palaver, you lose a weekend, you shell out for a room, you have to travel to the middle of nowhere and wear uncomfortable clothes and shoes. But I think we, as human beings, become greater than the sum of our parts when we come together, and your presence helps give the meaning and purpose to what we're doing, and we are grateful to you all.

All that remains for me to do is introduce the mysterious and enigmatic figure sitting alongside the lady he so lovingly calls The Future Mrs Jackson.

I've known Will for 9 years now. I was but a humble student broadcaster and he was the ever-so-grandly titled Client Relations Manager at a company called MetroNetworks, which is now called Trafficlink. Just to explain - you know when you hear travel information on the radio, and the information is sometimes wrong or out of date? Well that information is supplied by Trafficlink. I'm not saying that disparagingly - getting travel information right is the broadcasting equivalent of trying to nail jelly to the ceiling.

Now, as far as I could make out, Will's job as Client Relations Manager was to traverse the country explaining to radio station executives that yes, Trafficlink's information was sometimes wrong and out of date, but it was nothing that couldn't be solved over a few beers. And it worked. Given that Will is, by his own admission, something of a radio anorak, and I can vouch for the fact that he is the single most sociable man on the planet, he could have been genetically engineered to be Trafficlink's Client Relations Manager he was so right for the job.

Even so - how long did you stay there for? 10 years? Good lord. You see, the only downside to being Client Relations Manager for Trafficlink was being shouted at by two-bit no-mark deeply insecure radio station executives who wanted someone to blame for their own incompetencies.

Earlier this year Will left his job at Trafficlink to take up a post at Ofcom, the broadcasting regulator. Will now advises on how to award multimillion pound radio licences. And as a result every single two-bit no-mark deeply insecure incompetent radio station executive who previously made his life difficult are now falling over themselves to be his best friend. Will told me he's had so many karmic moments over the past three months.

One of the skills of being a social operator like Will is being able to entertain an audience. And in this respect… Will is a giant among men.

When Will opens his mouth to speak, the room falls silent, drinks go undrunk, cigarettes go unsmoked. DJs hush their records. Will's deep, penetrating basso profundo voice reverberates into your very core and down into your soul. His words, his eyes, a mere facial expression can send a rapt audience into paroxysms of life-changing despair, laughter or joy.

His stories are a form of verbal sorcery which weave together leaving audiences clinging helplessly to his tiniest utterance - enchanted whilst he speaks, bereft when it is over. Will can speak for hours, without notes, yet it seems like seconds. I've never yet seen an audience he hasn't left whooping and hollering for more. He can reach spectacular rhetorical heights from a standing start.

Simply put, we are privileged to be in the presence of such once-in-a-lifetime greatness. Blessed that a man of such magical charisma can be here with us tonight. I am both humbled and honoured to introduce the best Best Man's speech that you will ever hear in your lives... Ladies and Gentlemen: Will Jackson!

[will's speech]

Thanks Will. I said I'd wait until after Will's speech before I gave him his present. Will has been a fantastic friend and an exemplary best man. I'm really grateful for everything he's done.

As well as being a leading light in Britain's favourite light touch regulator Ofcom, Will also runs his own online pub guide. I thought it would therefore be appropriate to get him his own beer. I think we have it arriving now.

[bottle of Will Jackson Celebration Ale brought in on silver platter]

Will, could you read out what it says on the label...

... This is also the beer that we are serving at the wedding all evening. So if anyone wants a pint with, or indeed of, Will Jackson, you'll find both of them at the bar. Have a good evening and thank you very much.

Convergence

2005-07-31T14:06:00.000+01:00

I went to an Ofcom internal briefing on Friday, about "convergence". In a nutshell, this means any content being available on any device.

I could have saved 60 precious minutes of my life, if only the cartoon below had been published a day earlier. It's by the "Modern Toss" people, and is from The Guardian Guide.

I think it encapsulates the whole concept very well. (nb: This is not Official Ofcom policy).

New links

2005-07-31T13:55:00.000+01:00

Best suggestion for new links for the right hand column of this august journal of learning was to "do a Gorman" and add some other Will Jacksons. For there are others of us, and many of them do interesting things.

Best by some distance is The Other Will Jackson [.co.uk] who makes animatronic lobsters. How cool is that?

Lobster (animatronic), yesterday [from willjackson.co.uk]

This is the sort of informed discussion you get with The Other Will Jackson:
"Lobster Violins - when a lobster moves its antennae in a certain way it produces sound by rubbing a soft tissue over a smooth 'file' to produce sounds - like a wet finger on a balloon. It is thought the sounds are produced as a defence mechanism.".

You're clearly in the wrong place. We're just waffling about where might be a nice pub to drink in. Go there now.

Snake: Man of Genius

2005-07-25T02:01:00.000+01:00

There is a friend of mine.

I met him at college station B1000. I was drawn to his shows because they basically comprised of heavy metal and nob gags. He was, and should have been, a radio genius.

However, he decided to become a lawyer instead, which to be frank, scares the living sheet out of me.

Anyway, Snake supplies me with many of the 'funny' and 'amusing' things that are found on the Super Information Highweb. I thought I'd share the latest with you.

Http://www.pornolise.com

Go there, select English, and type in the address of your favourite website.

Will's Best Man's Speech takes on a whole new dimension

PL

Thanks, Dotun

2005-07-24T01:30:00.000+01:00

Getting home in the early hours of Saturday morning after having eaten fantastically at Fino for my chum Rob's birthday (other people's opinion of the place here), I turned on my Bug to catch up on the news before I zonked out. Imagine my surprise, and pride, when I heard The Lock-In's very own Nick Wallis reading the news on BBC 5Live! That's national, free-to-air, radio. I even stayed up an extra half an hour to hear him again, on the longer, on-the-hour, bulletin. Nice one Nick!

In other news, my plaster cast comes off on Thursday. I'm counting down the hours.

That best man's speech in full...

2005-07-19T10:50:00.000+01:00

When Nick asked me to be the best man, I told him I was deeply honoured, but didn’t think I was the right person for the job. He said to me: how about twenty quid? I said: “Nick – I can’t be bought”. He then said to me: how about twenty quid and a pint of lager?

So – good evening, ladies and gentlemen - my name is Will, and I’m your best man today.

I must say I was a little worried in making this speech today - until I saw your faces and realised that you’re all like me… already drunk. And also getting as far away from Harry Potter Mania as possible.

It’s been an emotional day so far – even the wedding cake is in tiers.

Before we go any further, I must say thank you, of course, to Simon for a great speech, and for being such a fantastic host. And we’ll come on to Nick in a moment...

In particular, its my duty to say thank you on behalf of the bridesmaids – even though you may be able to see by looking at me that I’m not actually a bridesmaid. And didn’t they all look absolutely lovely today?

I’d also like to congratulate them and Nicola’s family for doing such a great job in making sure that Nicola went against her better judgement - and didn’t change her mind.

I must say that Nicola always looks great – but today, she looks absolutely stunning – doesn’t she, ladies and gentlemen? And as for Nick - he just looks stunned!

Thank you also to the caterers – Ginny Baldwin and the team – we’ve been able to taste the great job that they’ve done. And Combe Manor – when you eventually find it – what an astonishing venue. I also have to let you know there’s a wedding book to remind Nick and Nicola of today – please feel free to make your mark. And you’ll also find a display in the main hall of some early photos of Nick and Nicola, in an exhibition entitled “Nick Wallis – The Morten Harket out of A-Ha years”.

So Nick and Nicola have finally got married, for better or for worse. Which is quite appropriate - as Nick couldn't have done any better, and Nicola couldn't have done any worse…

Nicola, I feel I need to tell you about the man you’ve married. Nick can be described as handsome, witty, intelligent, generous, a great father and talented journ - journa …Sorry Nick, I’m having trouble reading your writing here…

I’ve known Nick for as long as I can remember: although, with not one, but two stag weekends before this wedding, my memory actually only stretches back as far as last Sunday morning - but I'm sure I've known him for longer than that! I hope we’ll still be friends at the end of this speech.

Actually, I first met Nick in the Spring of 1996. Nick, who tells me he’s 25, was clearly a child prodigy and at John Moores University in Liverpool at the age of 14. But this quibble aside, at the Student Radio conference they were holding, I was told the one person I had to meet was the new Chair of the Association. Now - I remember two things of that evening. One was how ridiculously cheap a large Jack Daniels and Coke was, and the other was meeting for the first time this slightly eccentric man, with crazy hair, wearing yellow “Rupert” style trousers ready to go clubbing in Liverpool afterwards. As you can see, very little has changed over the years.

Other than perhaps the hair colour – an early experiment in Nick’s goth years ended with the black he wanted actually becoming a rather odd looking navy blue.

But this was a man I immediately liked immensely. His casual wit and charm, his puppy-like enthusiasm for everything, his natural refusal to let anything get him down – and the fact I think he was the only person in the room drunker than me - made want him as a friend. I think for Nick though there was an ulterior motive – at the time I was a travel news reporter – and from what I hear, Nick seemed to have an unusual habit of waking up in railway sidings at the end of the line and needing to find his way home at three in the morning. I think he had a gold card for an upgrade at Basingstoke sidings.

His brother Tom, told me a story that I think encapsulates Nick’s genuine – if sometimes ill-advised - enthusiasm: not being mechanically-minded, Nick was not put off from trying to service the family car. He thought that he'd put some oil in it because he’d recently acquired the know-how to read the dipstick. He tipped a bottle of oil in, and clearly seeing how it could take some more, tipped in another bottle - a much, much bigger bottle. When the engine was full of oil, and I mean completely full, he set off on his merry way for about four yards before the car promptly conked out in a cloud of black smoke. Unfortunately the nick-name 'dipstick' only lasted a few days because he was a tad sensitive to it.

Thankfully with Nicola, Nick’s taste in women has improved beyond measure. You wouldn’t think Nick would have a great deal in common with John Major – and I’m sorry as I know we’ve only just finished eating, but Nick – being thrown out of a party for pinching Edwina Currie’s bottom is nothing to be proud of. And these celebrity encounters bring me to the first of this evening’s telegrams: and it’s from George Michael. It says Nick – congratulations on the wedding – it’s such a shame - we would have made a lovely couple.

Nick’s media career continued to progress. Despite having what they call “a face for radio”… and actually “a voice for newspapers” – he ended up reading the news on BBC Three. He was always keen to progress – and hadn’t yet realised that at the BBC if they want to give you feedback they’ll tell you. He asked the channel controller once what he thought of the bulletin – and got the response – yeah, you’re fine – just stop looking so bloody pleased to be on television!

With the arrival of the lovely Amy a couple of months ago, Nick has had to take on the considerable responsibility of a new baby. It tells you a lot about Nick that – for one moment – I wasn’t sure whether he was joking when I received the text announcing the arrival of Britney Condoleeza Giggs Cantona Ronaldo Wallis. But Nick has proved to be the most dedicated and devoted Father – constantly showing me photos and telling me how beautiful both Mother and Daughter are. And times have changed somewhat – when I was planning his stag weekend in Brighton, I asked whether there was anything he’d really like to do – perhaps jet-skiing, paintball, power-boating? He said that the best thing we could do for him was give him a couple of extra hours of sleep and a lie-in. You’ve done well to stay awake through my speech today.

Before I go, I’ll give Nick a couple of further pieces of advice today. I asked my Dad – who has been married for 40 years – if he had any advice for a new groom. He told me not to forget the five rings: the engagement ring, the wedding ring, the suffering, the torturing, and the enduring.

He also told me the best way to remember an anniversary is to forget it just once.
And his main advice to Nick was to remember the three little words that are the key to a happy marriage: “You’re right, Nicola”.

Now, as a man that will drink to absolutely anything, it gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to be upstanding, raise your glasses and join me in a toast to Nick and Nicola, because I think they were made for each other.

May your love be modern enough to survive the times, but old fashioned enough to last forever…

I'm sure you're both going to be happy together, and I speak for everybody here when I say I wish you both the very, very best for your future life together.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the new Mr and Mrs Wallis, Nick and Nicola!

It's BBQ Weather

2005-07-17T12:56:00.000+01:00

"Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99 If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists..." - Baz Luhrmann

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Class of WPG. Listen to Baz, he knows what he's talking about...

I didn't

Now I'm sore and red and wincing everytime I move.

I was swimming you see, in an outdoor pool, occasionally sitting by the side of said pool to read. I was only there for 2-2.5 hours.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow

WEAR SUNSCREEN.......

PL

Whiteley reappraised...

2005-07-06T10:43:00.000+01:00

Having read the following, I think Al's being a bit harsh on Mr Countdown.
As well as surviving the Brighton bomb, The Friday Thing re-printed the following webchat - which has a great set-up and pay-off gag that made me laugh out loud on the tube last night. RIP.

>RICHARD WHITELEY LAUGHS
=

On September 7th, 2000, and August 19th, 2003, Richard Whiteley
took part in two Channel 4 webchats. In total the two chats took
up just one hour of the jovial presenter's too-short life, but
the pleasure they brought to the lives of the other participants
was surely infinite. In a way, this was typical Whiteley. He'd
bumble into people's lives for half an hour at a time and enrich
them like they'd never been enriched before.

Here are some of the best bits:

..

juice: are any of the other male presenters you know jealous of
your massive clock?

Richard Whiteley chuckles
Richard Whiteley: I know that Wogan is, but then he's jealous of
everything!
Richard Whiteley laughs

..

von: mr whiteley?... whats your favourite word?

Richard Whiteley: My favourite word is the word "moonset". We had
it on the show once and no one had ever heard of it. Just as you
can have a sunset you can have a moonset, it's nice and romantic
isn't it? It's a lovely word.

..

Andy: What was your favourite moment in the history of the
program?

Richard Whiteley: Erm... Carol has a dressing room next to me...
and last week I discovered there was a hole in the wall. I
thought of reporting it to studio security, but then I thought
bugger it, let her look!

Da-da da-da dadadada...pewww!

2005-06-26T21:33:00.000+01:00

errr...rest in peace, obviously. But it gives me an excuse to post this again.

WPG World Service

2005-06-12T13:34:00.000+01:00

And notice our shiny new link on your right to Danika and Jenni's blog Swank or Skank. They've linked to us, so I believe it is "netiquette" to return the favour. Or "favor" as I'm sure they'd spell it.

Other suggestions for bruvver and sista sites that we should link to would be welcome. Celebs with blogs could be good - Helen suggested David Duchovny out of the X-files, if only for the comment from someone posing the question "so did you ever nail the ginger bird?", and Al suggested Zac Braff out of Jackson-Quigley TiVo favourite Scrubs, but I think we're disqualifying both of them for having posted since May 24, although I'm a fine one to talk about regular posting.

Anyway, suggest away!